Time Together
by slashbean
Summary: WARNINGS: Slash, NC-17. When Jayne is injured and can't work, he and Mal develop a close friendship that takes a turn neither one expect.
1. Time Together

**Time Together**

If it weren't for Simon, Jayne would've lost his arm and if it weren't for Jayne, they'd all have been worse off. He kept drawing fire to himself, protecting the others, achieving exactly what Mal was attempting, and because it was the two of them, the rest of the crew was spared the worst of the attack. Jayne's entire right side was braced so he wouldn't accidentally move his mangled arm. They spent the following month planet-side while Simon oversaw countless reconstructive surgeries, attempting to restore every damaged nerve so that Jayne could regain full mobility and as soon as it was safe to move him, Mal started moving them in the direction of work. Medicine wasn't cheap and the kitchen didn't stock itself.

They were half way to Persephone when Jayne called for Mal. He was still mostly laid-up in bed, aside from the physical therapy for his arm and the hours he spent pacing circles around the cargo bay. He'd tried running, but the impact of the footfalls was too much for the moment and Simon refused to up his pain meds. He'd lost a good thirty pounds and his t-shirts hung loosely when he could be bothered to pull one on. Mal knew Jayne didn't have too many issues walking around shirtless, aside from the fact that he was disappointed in the decay of his body. He stayed in the passenger dorms now, because those rooms didn't require use of a ladder and so saved his arm some. Also, it was easier to holler for Simon if something felt wrong.

"You asked for me?" Mal said courteously as he entered the room. Mal hadn't realized how completely Jayne had moved out of his bunk and into this space. He'd even mounted his guns on the wall!

Jayne sat sideways on his bed, the fingers of his left hand twiddling a loose bit of gauze poking out from a wrap on his elbow.

"Yeah, Mal. You need to hire a new merc."

"What?"

"It's mighty kind of you to keep looking after me, but I'm no use to you like this, so it don't make sense to keep me on the payroll."

"Fine, I won't pay you," Mal agreed, not seeing the point in arguing. In truth, he hadn't thought too hard about how he'd split the take on this next job. As much as it made sense not to cut Jayne in since he couldn't participate, Mal knew it was wrong to shaft the man who had so recently saved his life. "But since I got you mangled, I'm paying for your meds."

"Fair enough," Jayne replied, though he looked disappointed – like he'd wanted a fight.

"No sense hiring a new merc just yet. Zoë and I were running jobs a good while before you came along."

Jayne made a disgruntled face, avoiding Mal's eye. Mal couldn't tell if he was biting back an insult or something else, but he figured if it were the first, Jayne wouldn't've held back.

"Were you thinkin' to go some place else?"

Jayne shrugged as much as he could with his arm braced the way it was. "Doc says Persephone has a decent Physical Therapy facility; might help me fix-up faster."

"He did tell me that," Mal acknowledged. "Did you want to get left?"

Jayne's head lolled noncommittally and he started picking invisible lint off the bed sheets.

"We're on Persephone in two days time."

"I should –" Jayne began, then stopped himself and started shifting to lay down in the bed. "Sleep."

Mal nodded, watching pitifully as Jayne arranged his arm comfortably on the narrow bed, then reached for the blanket that he'd kicked just a little too far out of reach. Cautious of the man's dignity, Mal crossed the room and reached for the blanket.

"You're welcome to stay here," he said softly.

Jayne froze, looking up at him simultaneously grateful, confused, vulnerable, and defensive. Although Mal had been planning to simply put the blanket in Jayne's hand, Jayne lay still, letting Mal pull the blanket to his chin, tucking him in. Was it Mal's imagination, or had Jayne's chin nuzzled ever so slightly against his hand? To a point, it didn't matter. The man saved his life and his crew. Mal would give him a world if he could.

-ooo-

As soon as they set foot on Persephone, Jayne went immediately to a public gym to find a stationary bike. Simon had told him that it was lower impact than running, so he could get more of a workout without jarring his arm. They were all grateful to see him off, because the man was truly insufferable trapped inside his own body. Some days he'd work himself until he was screaming from pain, other days he'd just scream because he knew he couldn't work himself the way he wanted. Mal was tired of Jayne screaming for no reason and figured if he couldn't exercise his body, he needed to exercise his mind, so after he and Zoë finished setting up the job, Mal went into town to look for an answer.

Jayne wasn't schooled in the traditional sense, but he wasn't stupid. He was simply specialized. Very, very specialized. He knew everything there was to know about weaponry: projectiles, blades, lasers. He could name an infinite number of grenades and even order them according to size, power, and price. He knew about ancient weapons, modern weapons, government-classified weapons, and even some weapons still under development. The man clearly had a sharp and focused mind. Getting Jayne a book on weapons seemed about as pointless as getting Kaylee a book on engines. He lived and breathed that part of himself and any words would be wasted.

Mal made a mental list of Jayne's other interests. He liked money, but only so far as he could spend it on alcohol or trim. He liked sex, but how does one man give another man a book on sex without it being weird? It wasn't like he and Jayne had that kind of friendship. Mal rubbed the bridge of his nose and thought back to dinner the previous night when Jayne had been ribbing him terribly about something or other. Mal had let him go, even egging him on with some snarky comebacks, because he knew Jayne had no other way of letting off steam. Plus, if he deflected, he knew Jayne would turn on Inara or Kaylee making coarse jokes that only he would be laughing at. Jayne did like to laugh.

Stepping into the bookstore, Mal decided to head for the humor section. There had to be something in there with that mix of sharp thinking and crude humor that Jayne liked. Maybe something a little higher level even, so that it wouldn't seem like Mal was encouraging the bad behavior. Mal decided he'd get something that he wouldn't mind reading too, because he hated wasting coin and in all likelihood, Jayne wouldn't even read it.

-ooo-

That evening, Mal found Jayne in his room, legs in the air like a dead cockroach, rocking ever so slightly, wincing every time he rocked toward his injured arm.

"Need some meds?"

"Waiting for 'em to kick in," Jayne answered, immediately lying flat and nonchalant like he was embarrassed to be caught. "Doc said I rode so much they all meta – metallized out of my system."

Mal nodded and took the seat opposite the bed. He'd brought Serenity's ledger and figured he could get some work done and keep Jayne company at the same time. It occurred to Mal that Jayne might not scream for no reason if someone else was in the room telling him to shut up.

"You think I could sell my weight set and get me one of them stationary bikes?" Jayne mused, staring at the ceiling, clearly trying not to show signs of pain.

"Just because you're not using the weights doesn't mean no one is."

"They're still mine."

Mal smiled to himself. "No reason to get rid of one to have t'other. I'll bring it up with the crew and see if we can't pool together some earnings from this next take."

"How long is this run?"

"About a week."

Jayne's head pressed into the pillow, clearly frustrated, and Mal looked doubtfully at the book he'd bought wondering just how hard Jayne might laugh at him for offering it.

"I got you this," Mal finally said, presenting the gift. "To pass the time."

Jayne lifted his head off the pillow, processed the sight, then lay back down. "A book?"

"What else you got to do?"

When Jayne didn't move again, Mal tipped open the cover and read the first line. He was pleased when Jayne chuckled lightly. It was the first line that had sold Mal on the book as well. Encouraged by the response, Mal continued reading the first paragraph, then on through the first page. Jayne listened, smiling broadly, and after his meds kicked in, he even sat himself up a little so that he could watch Mal read. When Mal reached the end of the first chapter, their eyes met and they both busted out laughing.

"See, it ain't so bad," Mal smiled, handing over the book, then returning to his chair. He figured Jayne would keep reading and he could get back to his bookkeeping. Having only the one arm, Jayne finagled a little, folding his leg so he could keep the book open with his foot, then read through squinted eyes, following the words with his fingers. Mal was surprised when he started reading out loud.

Jayne was a slow reader, comparatively, but very thorough. Sometimes he'd stop and re-read the longer sentences, just to make sure he didn't miss any of the jokes. Mal abandoned his ledger and folded into the chair, listening along. It amazed him how soothing it was to hear someone else's voice reading a story, taking him for a journey, not pressing him to consider anything beyond the hilarity of the moment. When Jayne got to the end of the chapter, they looked at each other and laughed again.

Jayne flipped through the remaining chapters, counting on his fingers. "Suppose we should ration ourselves and save some for the rest of the week."

"Sounds like a plan," Mal agreed, gathering his things and making sure Jayne was settled before he headed out.

-ooo-

After the first night, stopping by Jayne's room to read chapters became part of Mal's routine. When they finished the first book, they bought two more by the same author, and then Jayne picked out one with political humor because he said Mal needed to learn to laugh at the government. Some of the jokes hit a little close to home for Mal's taste, but it was nice having someone besides Zoë who would openly mock the Alliance with him.

They alternated who read when, mostly deciding based on how tired Mal was after working all day. Jayne often asked Mal to sit next to him on the bed when he read, because it was easier with Mal holding the book and turning the pages for him. Even after Simon released Jayne from the immobilizing arm brace, Mal held the book, because he liked reading along as he listened to Jayne. The time together seemed to temper Jayne's mood swings while exponentially increasing the number of inside jokes the two men shared. Jayne was getting much faster at reading and even confessed to re-reading many of the chapters when Mal wasn't available to entertain him. He never read ahead, though. He said he liked to experience the jokes with Mal first – or would've said if he possessed that kind of eloquence. It didn't sound nearly as sentimental when Jayne said it.

"What should we read next?" Jayne asked after they finished the last chapter of their latest book.

Mal turned the book in his hands, considering his answer. This one had been too good for them to ration properly. "I'm sure the Doctor has something … readable."

Jayne laughed in his face, then reclined against the wall, tugging on his hair just so his fingers would have something to do.

"It's only two days to Boros. You want to help me fix the books?" Mal offered. "Alliance is sure to audit us this time around."

"Don't know nothing about that."

"You can learn," Mal said encouragingly. Looking back, Mal had learned an awful lot about just about everything when he was laid up with shrapnel wounds to the spine that left him paralyzed a good half a year.

Jayne shrugged noncommittally, but didn't say no.

-ooo-

It shouldn't have surprised Mal that Jayne was ambidextrous. He'd always assumed Jayne was right handed because (a) it was his gun hand; and (b) wasn't everyone? But then, whenever Jayne held two guns, he kept the small one in his left hand and aimed it just fine. Mal had seen him throw knives with both hands equally well. And it wasn't like Jayne had a choice at the moment, so it really should not have surprised Mal when Jayne picked up the pen with his left hand and started writing just as neatly as he normally did with his right (which wasn't very).

Turns out Jayne was almost as good with numbers as he was with grenades. If he knew the take, the number of people, and their percentage, he could spit out each person's cut without so much as a blink. To him, the division of cash after a heist was basic survival instinct. If a boss left half a percent lying unclaimed, Jayne would make sure it fell in his cut and if a boss tried to cheat him… well, Mal was certainly glad he'd never tried to cheat Jayne.

One thing Jayne didn't like was the concept of fake books, because government red tape was the least advantageous kind of split there was. The issue was to work the fake books so that they didn't owe taxes on their earnings, but stayed above welfare levels because then the audits would come more frequently.

Jayne got frustrated with bookkeeping the first night and consequently worked himself harder with the physical therapy and running around the cargo bay the next day. Mal decided he'd finish on his own and maybe he and Jayne could spend the evening talking or something.

After supper, he found Jayne lying on his bed, drenched with sweat, pressing a free weight with his left arm, grunting with every heft. One of Jayne's legs dangled over the side of the bed, pressing against the floor to give him leverage and his whole body shook with strain. Mal came over and swiped the weight from him in midair and Jayne's arm collapsed over his torso as he gasped for breath, looking like he'd just been released from a torture chamber.

"Thought today was abs and legs," Mal said solemnly as he set the weight on the opposite side of the room. He knew Jayne had spent the better part of the afternoon on his bike. Jayne panted and gritted his teeth, his face contorted with strain.

"Needed to do something so it wouldn't hurt so much," Jayne wheezed, his trembling left hand reaching over to soothe his right arm.

"You needed to stop before you started hurting," Mal chastised, coming over to sit by the bed. "I'm sure Simon won't up your doses for stupidity."

"Can't anyway," Jayne hissed, wiping sweat from his face with the back of his hand. "Kaylee got burned yesterday on the engine. With both of us using meds … ran out this morning."

Mal's jaw tensed, finally understanding, but wondering why he hadn't been told. He knew about Kaylee getting burned and all, but not about the meds running dry. That needed immediate dealing.

"Don't move. I'll be back in a bit," Mal ordered, as if Jayne had any choice in the matter. He went first to find Simon and assess the drug situation. It turned out that Simon had offered half-doses to both Jayne and Kaylee to spread out the meds, but Jayne had declined and told Simon to let Kaylee have it all. There was no point in her suffering since she was still a hard-working part of the crew. Simon told Mal he'd held back half the dose in case Jayne changed his mind, but not twenty minutes before Mal came, Simon had found Kaylee curled up in her hammock in too much pain to breathe, let alone call for help, so he'd relented and given it to her. There was nothing medically that could be done for Jayne so all that was left was to make him comfortable until they landed the next morning.

Mal went to Inara next, because if anyone knew about making a man comfortable, she did. She came with Mal back to Jayne's room, bringing an arsenal of soft towels, soothing oils, and the only variety of incense that Jayne actually liked (in three years and over two-hundred varieties, they had only yet identified the one). Jayne was still reeling when they entered, but he tried to mask it when he saw Inara. Mal arranged Jayne on the bed and sponged him clean while Inara set up the first bit of incense and started warming the oil between her palms, explaining to Jayne in a soothing voice what she was about to do. Mal sat by the pillow as she worked, keeping eye contact with Jayne, sharing stories about drunken adventures and past heists, trying to distract him from the pain. Jayne gazed up at him, blue eyes open, exposed, and weary, pleading for freedom from this prison. As Inara massaged Jayne's right arm, his left folded up and his fingers grazed Mal's thigh ever so lightly, like he wanted to say thank you, but couldn't use words. Mal wasn't quite sure when it became okay for Jayne to touch him. If it were Zoë laid up in bed, it wouldn't have been an issue. He and Zoë had strict boundaries. But Jayne had always been more lax about physical contact and it meant something different to him.

When Inara told Jayne to flip and lay on his stomach, Mal stood up. He wanted to learn what she was doing, so that he could do this too. Sometimes Inara had clients and wasn't available for this. At least that's what Mal said out loud. He couldn't explain what was truly tugging his heart, but it seemed important that Mal know how to do this.

Inara was a good teacher. She had Mal remove his shirt and demonstrated on his own skin so he'd know exactly which muscles he was supposed to be hitting on each stroke. Mal warmed the oil between his fingers and set to work. He could see the muscles on Jayne's right side were weak, small, and atrophied, but now that he felt it with his own hands, his heart broke for the man.

There was a lot of starting and stopping as Inara showed Mal how to do something on Jayne, then demonstrated again on his own body, and then set Mal to work. Jayne didn't seem to mind. He'd stopped gritting his teeth awhile ago, and the tension was slowly melting off his face. When Mal paused to get more oil for his hands, he noticed that Jayne had already fallen asleep.

-ooo-

They landed on Beaumonde just as the leaves were falling. Jayne had weaned off his meds to the point where Simon said it was okay to start drinking again, and the news had the man bouncing around the cargo bay like a child at Christmas, waiting anxiously for the door to open. Since his motives and destination were clear as a whistle, Simon splinted up his arm and strapped it against his torso so he wouldn't forget himself and break it all over again in a bar fight, but Jayne didn't mind at all. He'd exchange his right arm for whiskey!

Mal reined him in with a list of supplies they needed, and sent Jayne to stock the ship while he and Zoë lined up the next job. He'd been doing that the last few worlds now – putting Jayne in charge of restocking things. So long as there wasn't too much heavy lifting involved, Jayne could manage it fine, and Mal knew it helped him feel less useless. Jayne was building strength in his right side now, though he was still only a shadow of his former self. He'd started holding back working out the left side so he wouldn't look uneven, but he still did a little bit. Mal would never tell him though.

Zoë came with Mal and Jayne to the bar that evening and it was like old times where they sat in a round booth in the corner and played Chinese checkers while listening to bad music blaring over the din of falling silverware. Jayne took his drinks slow, tempering with the fresh food. Mal smiled to himself, remembering the conversation he'd had with Jayne the night before – Jayne worried that in his months of abstinence and weight-loss that he'd become a light-weight and didn't want to waste coin getting drunker than he needed to be. Jayne was a little tipsy by the third hour and Zoë decided to retire early because the public baths opened at sunrise. As soon as Zoë disappeared, the whores started soliciting their table, and Mal started to appreciate the power of Zoë's presence in their group.

Mal turned sideways in the booth, peaking one leg on the bench and resting his arm over the back. Jayne matched the position facing him so that their toes touched, but it wasn't nearly so convenient for Jayne because his left arm was against the wall and he had to reach across himself to get his drink.

"Want me to find you a girl and leave you be?" Mal offered, knowing it had been nearly half a year since Jayne had done more than take himself in hand. It was clear from the open way they were sitting that Jayne was a bit stiff.

"Naw," Jayne answered almost immediately, ducking his head toward his drink and tapping his fingers against his chest. He looked uncertainly at Mal, then at the point in the middle of the booth where their toes touched.

"Kinda rather…" he began sheepishly, but then trailed off. Suddenly Mal felt Jayne's foot against his under the table. By some magic, Jayne had slipped off his other boot and was now running his toe up the inside of Mal's leg, and then he just left his foot right on the bench, a hair's breadth from Mal's crotch. Mal looked down in surprise, swallowing thoughtfully and wondering if he should press forward and complete the connection, but that didn't seem right. Instead, he reached out his arms and turned Jayne again so they were resting front to back against each other. It was a strangely intimate position to experiment with in such a public setting, but for some reason, it felt right and natural. Mal kept his right arm draped casually over the back of the booth and his left hand rested under the table on Jayne's thigh. Jayne's hand came to rest over his and for a long moment, they both stayed still, absorbing the sudden change in their relationship.

Mal's mind whirred over the fact that Jayne's foot had been resting just millimeters from his crotch, and now Jayne was leaning against him. If Jayne scooted his hips back half an inch, he would no doubt feel Mal swelling. Tentatively, Mal's hand wandered up Jayne's thigh, across his hip, and then stroked him through his pants. Jayne squirmed slightly (enough to accidentally brush against Mal) and then with a firm grip, he guided Mal's hand up away from the whole crotch area. It was almost a relief in Mal's mind that Jayne was still hesitant even though he'd made the first move.

-ooo-

Jayne couldn't believe the turn the night was taking and wondered if there were some kind of drugs in his drink to make him be wanting what he was. Truth be told, it was somewhere in the middle of reading that third book that he'd started thinking of Mal's smile when he was jerking himself off. He'd never thought anything of it until Mal offered to find him a whore and he realized they'd been coming non-stop to the table the last hour and he hadn't noticed a single one.

He'd never been good with words and was grateful that Mal was more surprised than repulsed at his suggestive invitation. And although the suggestion had been his, he wasn't sure he had it in him to complete the offer. His worry tripled when he felt Mal's hands wandering over his body again.

With two fingers on Jayne's cheek, Mal turned his chin so they were facing, and then he leaned in and kissed softly. Jayne's mouth twitched, wanting to respond, but he kept it closed, letting Mal's lips brush against his skin soft as angel's breath. Jayne chased a little when Mal started pulling away, but they broke the kiss and both looked away from each other, embarrassed. Jayne peeked out checking to see if any one in the bar was watching them, and noticed at least one person ducking away quickly.

"Did you want to get a room," Mal stammered, his voice low, his eyes still darting about like a rabbit in a cage.

"No. Just stay here for now," Jayne answered, leaning against Mal awkwardly, trying to hide the fact that he was shaking like a leaf. "I think this is all I want tonight."

Mal pulled back sharply, considering him with an incredulous chuckle. "Jayne Cobb! Shy about sex?"

He'd said it too loudly and they both shrank into the booth again, their eyes shooting warnings at the lookers. Jayne stared at his feet – one booted, one bare – and tapped his fingers shamefully on the table.

"I don't want to take you like some whore."

"I'm flattered," Mal remarked sardonically, but then let it drop. His hands settled around Jayne's waist again, his head resting against Jayne's shoulder. Whatever the future, it was clear they were both comfortable here, now, with this.

When Mal spoke again, he was quiet, serious, and gentle. "You've known me awhile now, Jayne. You know I don't fool around when it comes to sex, so when you see me offering, you know it ain't like that."

Jayne shifted uncomfortably, squirming but at the same time trying not to disrupt Mal's hold on him.

"Then give me time," he finally managed. "You only just kissed me and that means something… Means a lot …"

Jayne hesitated on his next confession, but decided it necessary. He looked sideways at Mal, then forward again.

"Ain't never kissed a man before," Jayne admitted, cringing in anticipation of ridicule.

Mal nodded slowly, and kept holding him and after a few tense breaths, Jayne sighed in relief. Mal was very good at keeping silent when it came to Jayne's dignity. It was one of the reasons Jayne didn't mind Mal nursing him the way he minded some others.

"Want another drink?" Mal asked, ending the long silence.

They flagged down the waitress, and ordered another plate of wontons and sake, never moving from their strange little embrace. It worked better for Jayne having his left arm on the table within easy access of food and drink. Mal had moved his one arm from the back of the booth to a possessive drape around Jayne's shoulders, but thankfully didn't try anything cute like feeding him or what not. Feeling more confident, Jayne leaned back to kiss Mal, this time opening his mouth. It was all rough and playful between them with their teeth clacking and nipping at each other's lips and tongues. It was the kind of kiss Jayne could get used to. After a few more minutes, they settled to sitting peacefully again, poking at the last of their food.

"How's it work anyway?" Jayne asked. "Sex between men?"

Mal took a quick drink and shook his head. "I suppose it's the same as with women, only twice the options because you get to switch off giving and taking… and no breasts."

"You suppose?" Jayne repeated.

Mal shrugged and smiled devilishly. "I ain't never been with a man neither."

Jayne turned a little to look Mal full in the face, wondering how he seemed so confident being with another man after having never been while Jayne was all twisted inside.

"Then how do you know …?"

"It ain't about being with men or women. It's about me and you and I know I want to be with you," Mal answered assuredly. They looked square at each other a solid minute before Jayne's mind quieted enough for him to relax against Mal again.

"So we'll just make it up as we go?"

"The sex?" Mal needled, squeezing him lightly. "We could always get a book."

Jayne laughed at first, thinking it was a joke, but then he turned to face Mal again. "They make books for this?"

"They make books for every damn thing."

"With pictures?"

"Jayne!"

Jayne's mind set on the prospect of a new book and he scooted quickly out of the booth, found his boot under the table, and grabbed Mal's hand. "You think the store is still open?"

-ooo-

Jayne never thought he'd be so excited to find a book store open late on Tuesdays! What's more, he never thought he'd be holding Mal's hand, loose though their grip was. In fact, it wasn't more than a light grazing of the backs of their fingers, but it was all the connection Jayne needed in order to know this wasn't their usual mischief.

The clerk eyed them suspiciously because they were both a bit tipsy at this point, though Mal was insistent that they pay for the book and not steal it. They couldn't get the one Jayne wanted because it was too expensive and they couldn't get the one Mal wanted because all the writing was pretentious and the pictures were … not helpful. The one they ended up with didn't have any pictures, but wo de ma, Jayne felt like he'd gotten an eyeful just from reading the first paragraph!

They ran back to Serenity all snickers and giggles and at the back door, Jayne tackled Mal, throwing him against the hull of the ship, and attacking him with rough, playful kisses. Mal laughed into his mouth, alternately beating him off and pulling him closer. When they heard the latch on the back door turning, both of them jumped out of the kiss, trying to right their appearances. Jayne wasn't sure about Mal, but he wasn't ready to come out to the crew just yet. Ta ma de, he was barely out to himself.

River peeked out the door, considering them both with a raised eyebrow. Jayne swore under his breath, wondering if she even needed to be a reader to guess what she'd interrupted. She held the door open for them wordlessly, closed it behind, and waited for one of them to speak first.

"I should –" Mal began, motioning for the stairs. He started walking away awkwardly, leaving Jayne looking after him wondering that the rug had been pulled out so quickly.

"You got time to read tonight?" Jayne asked, holding the bag with the book in it aloft.

Mal paused and looked back, his face completely business-like. "Maybe tomorrow. See if the Doc's still awake and can get that thing off your arm."

Mal walked up the stairs and River floated after him, looking between the two, and almost seemed to be gloating. Crestfallen, Jayne stomped off to his room and threw the book against the bed. Then he started kicking himself for getting in such a twist about the whole thing. Wasn't like he and Mal were … anything right now, aside from two men who'd spent the evening making out. It meant everything and nothing all at the same time.

Jayne picked up the book and flipped through some of the pages. In the store, it had been easy, almost like a joke because there had been so many books. They were just playing around, being tipsy and happy and not getting into bar fights. He wasn't sure he was ready to sit down and read a book like this with Mal for anything other than a little entertainment. That's all he wanted really. That's all it had to be.

Resigning himself to the version of the truth that was easiest for him to live with, Jayne went in search of Simon to get the gorram brace off his arm so he could rest normal and maybe jerk off thinking of Mal. He'd always preferred his right hand over his left in that regard. Simon's mood was arrogant as always and he patiently removed the various straps and splints, mockingly applauding Jayne for managing to stay out of trouble.

"No fight, Jayne I'm impressed. What did you do all night?"

"Talked with Mal. Got a new book."

"A joy," Simon intoned sarcastically. "More crude humor to enjoy at the dinner table."

Jayne leered, ready to make Simon squirm. "Nope. This one ain't funny at all. This one's about sex."

Simon scoffed, but failed to blush. "Is your imagination failing you?"

"Man on man?" Jayne goaded, dropping the detail in hopes of getting a rise. "Guess my imagination never took me there before."

"Why would you get a book on –" Simon paused and considered Jayne. Coming out wasn't nearly as hard as Jayne thought, though also not nearly as gratifying. He'd wanted to see Simon squirm.

"You and Mal?" Simon verified, and Jayne had to wonder at Simon's ease on the notion. He wouldn't expect someone so proper like Simon to accept a sly man into his company.

Jayne nodded slowly, grateful to see only acceptance in Simon's face. Not approval, but at least there was no ridicule there. Simon didn't say anything else while he finished his work. As Jayne stood to go, Simon opened a drawer, pulled out a jar of something, and handed it to Jayne.

"What is this stuff?"

"It's a lubricant," Simon answered patiently. "I use it for prostate exams and the like."

Jayne looked at the jar, squinting uncertainly. He didn't like the sound of what Simon was saying, and didn't understand why Simon was giving him something new after they'd worked so hard to get him off the painkillers.

"Why are you giving it to me?"

"Read your book," Simon smiled, patting him on the shoulder. "You'll figure it out."

-ooo-

Jayne set the lubricant jar on the table next to the book, starting to get an idea, but not wanting to think too much about it. Or maybe think just a little. All that rough kissing had gotten him hard. It was the kind of kissing he liked to do with girls, but rarely found one aggressive enough to play. The kind of kissing he'd stopped doing after being victimized by the same goodnight-kiss Mal had gotten from Saffron. Jayne had stopped kissing for a long while, because he never wanted to kiss someone he didn't trust and he'd only ever been with strangers for so long. Kissing came so easy with Mal. Lots of things did.

Jayne stroked himself lazily through his pants, thinking back to how Mal's hand had brushed over him earlier in the bar. Mal had offered they get a room for the night. It was a kind offer considering neither of them had any idea what they were doing. What did such a thing mean to Mal? What had Mal planned on trying? The offer rang in Jayne's mind, crowding out his own thoughts which were simply demanding to know what he himself wanted from all of this.

With swift determination, Jayne left the passenger dorms, stalked up to the crew quarters, and knocked on Mal's door. He waited shiftily, hearing some shuffling from inside. When Mal opened the door, he wore only a towel which tented traitorously, so Jayne had no question about what he'd been up to. He looked at Jayne expectantly, waiting for him to state his business.

"Towel doesn't cover much," Jayne commented.

Mal stepped back from the entrance leaving the hatch open and Jayne took that as an invitation. Mal's bunk was huge compared to Jayne's, decorated serenely with a little tree and a few trinkets.

"Got an itch myself," Jayne continued, irritated by the silence. "Thought maybe…"

Thought maybe what? What did he want Mal to do? Mal turned slowly, offering a mug of coffee. He had two of them ready on the table like he'd been expecting company.

"You want a hand?" Mal asked innocuously, taking a sip of his drink.

Jayne nearly choked at the offer, even though by rights, he should've expected it. "So long as it's only a hand," he warned, adding in his mind the words 'this time.'

Mal nodded considerately taking another sip of coffee. Jayne drank too, glad to have something counteracting the alcohol in his system and helping him think straight. Or – well – clear. They both drained their cups, then Mal leaned against the wall for an awful long while looking at him.

"You willing to return the favor?" Mal asked

Jayne leered at the tented towel wrapped around Mal's waist and stepped closer, flicking his fingers across the tuck and sending the covering to the floor.

"Mayhaps I'll offer first and you'll do the returning."

-ooo-


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

It was different with Mal. Everything was different. And not just because Mal was a man, but because Mal was a friend, or a hell of a lot more than that at the moment. Mal knew exactly how to rile Jayne and get under his skin. He knew what words to use and what insults to throw – the distinction between teasing and cruelty. Most important, Mal knew how to fight him. They'd tussled often enough over the years to know each other's tricks and make it fun, and since Mal had witnessed every moment of Jayne's physical therapy, he also knew where to give in a little. Mal recognized each nuance of emotion that flickered through Jayne's eyes, so he knew immediately when the pain in Jayne's body overwhelmed the pleasure of the tussle. Even if he hadn't seen it, Jayne trusted him enough to tell him outright.

It wasn't a snap of muscle or a fresh break of bone, just a slight overexertion of the abused arm that could leave Jayne aching for days if tried to work through it. (Jayne knew because he'd tried before.) Mal stopped wrestling so hard, playing like he was worn out from the match, and the sheen of sweat reducing traction between their naked bodies supported the excuse just fine for Jayne's ego. As soon as Jayne had Mal pinned, he attacked Mal with a deep, penetrating kiss, because kissing Mal was almost like fighting him and didn't tax his arm any. Weren't like either one carried delusions that the fight was leading to something else anyway.

Mal's arms were all over him, squeezing his muscles like he could juice the sex right out of them. Jayne gasped sharply, his head dropping by Mal's ear, about to say it hurt, but not so sure it did anymore. Mal's hands brushed and stroked across Jayne's bare torso, massaging with that technique that Inara had taught him long ago – the way that gently milked the ache from Jayne's bones and made him compliant to any suggestion so long as the peaceful touch continued.

For awhile, Jayne just panted into Mal's ear, his weight falling more and more heavily onto Mal as the massage continued. He couldn't rightly recall how he made it to the bed or when he'd pulled his pants back on. He was grateful for the covering, though, because it eased the worry and notion that Mal's motives were sexual. Jayne was sprawled on his stomach, shirtless but not exposed, his right arm extended straight out to the side, a chair supporting the weight from the elbow down because the bed wasn't wide enough for that. Inara hadn't taught Mal the massage using a chair or a wide bed. Mal had discovered on his own that Jayne's shoulder relaxed quicker with his arm laid up and open like that.

As Mal's ministrations slowed, Jayne looked bitterly at his gimped arm. The restored muscle mass expertly concealed the weakness beneath and belied none of the pin-prickly aches that made Jayne believe shards of his pulverized bones were embedded just under the surface of his skin.

"Never thought a hand job could get so rough," Mal joked lightly, taking a seat next to the pillow, his fingers grazing the outline of Jayne's shoulder blade. He'd found his clothes as well. Jayne's insides twisted with the choice he'd made – tonight at the bar he'd chosen Mal over a woman. Not any particular woman, just some trim that he'd have had no obligation to in the morning. Granted Mal had been more fun than any girl would've been, and Mal knew just how to take care of his arm … stupid, treacherous, useless limb! Jayne's fingers twitched as his confusion mingled with self-disappointment.

"It's never gonna be the same again is it?"

He wasn't sure if he meant his arm or his sex life.

"Give it time," Mal encouraged, speaking to both fears. He got up and disappeared briefly as he reached under the bed, then came back with an old book and started reading. The language sounded archaic, but Jayne didn't think the words were so important as the soft lilt in Mal's voice and the way his fingers punctuated the sentences against Jayne's skin.

Jayne closed his eyes, absorbing Mal's touch, telling himself it was okay to want this, wondering if he still would were his arm healed up. He'd grown accustomed to the dusty, musky scent of Mal sitting only inches from his face while he lay helpless. Mal often pointed out it was a miracle he had his arm at all, so wanting instantaneous recovery on top of that seemed like asking a little much of the Almighty. Jayne disagreed vehemently, but didn't like talking faith with Mal because Mal didn't have faith anyway. Jayne had a little, so with what little he had, he asked for healing, and every time Mal's soothing touch massaged away his pains, he couldn't help but think his prayers were being answered in some round about way.

Mal's hand splayed over Jayne's face, tugging lightly at the roots of his hair to get his attention.

"Hey, no falling asleep!"

"Too late," Jayne mumbled into the pillow. Gou shi! Was he drooling on Mal's pillow?

"I don't recall saying you could spend the night."

Jayne grunted and summoned his body to wakefulness. He figured Mal was teasing, but didn't want to spend the night anyway. Heaving his body, he rolled onto his back, glad to feel exhaustion evenly though his limbs and not pooled around old injuries.

"Mind if I stay awhile longer?"

Mal shrugged and leaned forward, his fingertips tugging and teasing through Jayne's goatee, then coaxing Jayne's face up for a kiss. Mal liked kissing and he was very good at it. He'd roll his tongue rapidly like he was purring, and the vibration made it all the way to Jayne's belly before Mal's tongue even crossed the border of their lips. Mal pulled up and Jayne followed the tease until it strained his neck, and then settled his head in Mal's lap.

"Maybe also you can give me my shirt back," Jayne grinned, tugging at the hem.

Mal pouted, running his fingers over the worn, faded gray material. He was literally swimming in the shirt, though as his hands glided over the soft fabric, the outlines of his nipples were clear and Jayne couldn't help but leer appreciatively.

"But I like it," Mal protested. "It brings out the color in my eyes."

"Don't matter. Can't stand you being cute."

Mal made a face, but peeled the shirt off and mock-smothered Jayne. Jayne pressed the fabric to his nose, smirking at his devious acquisition of Mal's scent, and then he pressed the wadded shirt over his chest. He wondered if he should say something, but words didn't seem necessary to justify him staying right where he was. Just a few more minutes and he'd start moving again. Just a few more.

-ooo-

Jayne woke up, still surrounded by the smell of Mal's bunk. Ai ya! When did he fall asleep? And where was Mal? Shifting slightly, he determined that he was in fact alone on the bed, which made him feel a little weirder … and better. He was confused enough about the sudden turn in their friendship and didn't need to wake up with Mal all cuddled on him. Ta ma de, he'd drive himself mad if he kept questioning every move, afraid of saying more than he meant.

Carefully, Jayne rolled off the bed to make his escape and nearly stepped on top of Mal! His feet retracting instantly, Jayne froze on the edge of the bed, and looked down at the man who had become his best friend over the past several months. Mal was lying on his side, still shirtless, skin smooth all the way down to where his blanket covered just above his belly. In the soft lamp light, Jayne could see the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed steadily through his nose, not snoring at all. He'd stolen a seat-cushion to use as a pillow, because apparently the one on the bed was the only real one in the room, and a thin sheet separated his skin from the deck plates. Jayne realized that he'd fallen asleep next to Mal a hundred times since his injury, but he'd never once seen Mal sleeping. It made him feel all manner of strong and protective, having a man's trust enough that he'd sleep next to you. What's more, the fact that Mal was sleeping on the floor and hadn't tried crowding Jayne on the bed made Jayne a little more confident that he and Mal were on the same wavelength. Mal wouldn't push him into anything because he didn't want to push…

Calling on his years of stealth practice, Jayne slipped soundlessly from the bed, knelt next to Mal, and scooped him in his arms. Mal stirred immediately, but Jayne whispered him into stillness and set him on the bed.

"'Night Jayne," Mal murmured as Jayne tucked him under the covers. Jayne figured a man with Mal's history didn't sleep through much, but now he rested easily against the pillow, his eye already closed and trustful. It was awful considerate that he wasn't making a show of Jayne's midnight exit.

With a thoughtful smirk, Jayne tucked his t-shirt into Mal's hand. That way, when he woke up, Mal would know that Jayne leaving didn't mean him not coming back. Maybe Jayne needed to tell himself more than Mal that they'd have no regrets about tonight … kisses, rowdiness, and a nice hand job … it wasn't a mistake. It wasn't.

-ooo-

Jayne pedaled on his bike at a leisurely pace, twisting his upper body side-to-side, feeling strong like he hadn't felt in almost a year. It wasn't until after he left Mal's bunk that he realized how easily he'd scooped Mal up in his arms. Mal weren't no feather pillow, but he'd felt as light as one. Here, now, Jayne's strength was returning.

The other thing he noticed that came with morning was the quietness of his mind. He wasn't using the exercise to redirect his focus, he was using it just for what it was and letting his mind wander easily over the thought of Mal and him together. Despite being a rapid departure from every thought and experience Jayne had had in his life, nothing he'd done the night before seemed unnatural. Some of the experiments in touching were embedded in nervous uncertainty, but he was more uncertain about wanting than having. He hadn't known what to ask for, but once he was in Mal's arms, he knew he had it.

Jayne wondered how Mal felt about telling the rest of the crew about them and figured that maybe he shouldn't have hinted to Simon the way he'd done. The Doc was pretty discreet about such things, but it was a small ship and they'd all find out eventually. At breakfast, should he sit next to Mal? Would their hands touch? Would their eyes meet across the table? Should he dive in for a morning kiss? Did he even want to with all the crew watching? Hell, it hadn't even been twenty-four hours!

Jayne's feet pumped more furiously as if the stationary bike could out-pace his whirring thoughts. He was letting his mind run away with him again, and that was just foolish. Firmly, he told himself that he'd just act natural. Not cool and unaffected, but natural. He'd go into the galley and take food because he was hungry, and when he saw Mal, he figured he knew his own mind well enough to decide what he wanted from there. That's all he could ever do.

Turned out Mal had the same sort of plan. When he entered the galley, he ignored everyone the way he always did before he had his first cup of coffee, gathered his food, and sat at the head of the table. He gave Jayne a look that wasn't really much of anything besides a hello, but it was all the connection the Jayne needed at the moment, and so he smiled to himself and went back to eating.

-ooo-

It had been a long while since Jayne had cleaned his own guns, but his fingers hadn't ached in over a week, so he was hard-pressed for an excuse. Jayne loved his guns and it killed him not being able to maintain them properly on his own. A couple times Mal had sat down with him to do it, but the only place big enough was the dining table, and it always made Jayne feel like an invalid when others of the crew would pass through and see. When Mal had offered to just clean them *for* Jayne, he took the offer because he could at least circumvent the public shame even if he couldn't avoid the personal.

Today, Jayne brought out the full line of weapons, which he figured was ambitious, but he couldn't stand the thought of neglecting one of his girls, and he liked looking at them besides. Kaylee and Inara reclined in the lounge area talking about some fella River had hooked up with before they left Beaumonde that morning. River was making kettle corn, and being deviously tight-lipped on the whole thing. The kettle corn smelled sweet and good, and River was the only one who could make it properly, without burning it and stinking up the ship.

Simon passed through and nodded approvingly as Jayne disassembled the first pistol and set to work cleaning. The dexterity of Jayne's thumb and index finger had been a focal point of his occupational therapy of late. The digits hadn't been responding well, and two months ago Simon had attempted one more surgery to try and get them working again. Jayne noticed right away that they hurt more often, but once that had faded, they started moving more too.

By the time he was finished the third gun, Jayne's elbow started to ache, and half way through the fourth the pain had spread down to his fingers and up to his shoulder. Frustrated, Jayne set down his cleaning tools and stared a moment at the table, wondering if he should find Simon and some drugs so he could finish his work. He hated pain meds because they got in the way of his drinking. He considered some alcohol, but if anyone caught him drinking in the middle of the morning, they'd know the cause and call him on it. Biting back any signs of pain, Jayne went to the lounge area where the girls were chatting and sat sideways on the couch, closing his eyes, praying the pain would pass on its own. Kaylee offered him some kettle corn, but he was too nauseated to risk it. He managed to drop a few good ribs as River divulged snippets of detail about her dirt-side beau. Whoever he was, Jayne could tell she was smitten with him – probably because he recognized the feelings she described in himself. Jayne determined to meet the man next time they were on Beaumonde, and warn him of what might happen if he played games with River's heart. Might get his nuts ripped off. Jayne knew from personal experience that River wasn't above grabbing and pulling.

When Mal entered, his attention immediately fell to the dismantled gun on the table. He shot Jayne a questioning look, and Jayne couldn't do much more than avert his eyes in shame. Thankfully, Mal didn't start cleaning the gun for him. Leaving the work for Jayne to finish, Mal stepped into the lounge area with the rest of them and settled himself on the couch right between Jayne's legs, then leaned back comfortably.

Jayne squirmed, but figured it was too late to fight Mal's public affection at this juncture, and he kinda liked the feel of Mal in his arms all cozy on the couch, same way they'd been the night before. He knew that Simon hadn't seemed bothered when he'd found out about them. He figured River knew, and Kaylee seemed to take the view in stride like nothing doing. Inara looked nonplussed as well and had probably seen the train coming a mile away – as soon as Mal demanded she teach him those massage techniques. Whether Mal had seen the train coming or not, he certainly had no qualms jumping on board. Jayne hadn't seen anything coming and if he were on board now, it was only because he was plastered to the grating where the cow catcher had caught him full in the face. He wondered briefly if that's what people meant when they said 'love struck.'

"Someone want to tell me what's so interesting you took Jayne away from his guns?" Mal teased, taking a handful of kettle corn from Kaylee.

The three women smiled and laughed, filling Mal in and needling Mal as he made uncomfortable and disapproving faces at the idea of River becoming a woman. When he finished his kettle corn, Mal snuggled a little against Jayne's chest and took Jayne's hand in his so he could start massaging away the aches. It felt natural to do this. It felt natural.

-ooo-

Mal pulled Jayne's arm more tightly around his waist so he could reach the elbow. He wasn't sure why, but Jayne's aches often radiated out from there, and if Jayne had abandoned his guns, there was only one reason. For some reason, sitting beside Jayne on the couch and massaging his arm seemed like it would be demeaning to the man's dignity, but doing the same thing while nestled up in his arms seemed fine. He couldn't believe he was sitting there on the couch, in Jayne's arms, with Inara, River, and Kaylee looking square at him like they'd seen him do it a hundred times over!

As the girls went on trying to make him squirm, Jayne wrapped both arms around Mal's chest and whispered something so dirty in his ear that Mal blushed outright. Laughing loudly, Jayne squeezed Mal tighter and then climbed over him to go back to cleaning his guns. Mal stayed an incoherent rag doll on the couch for a moment, looking after Jayne, and then he shifted madly to find his feet and sit up straight.

"So are you two going to tell us what you got up to last night?" Kaylee asked him, taking a seat on the couch next to him. "What is this? How did it start?"

Gorram women and their girl talk! "This is exactly what it looks like," Mal told her evenly. "It started pretty much the same way you just witnessed, except with more alcohol; and this is pretty much as far as it is right now."

Kaylee leaned back on the couch, folding her arms. "Should I remind you, Captain, that we share a wall?"

"Don't need reminding," Mal smiled, standing to his feet and smoothing his clothes. "And seeing as I've kept my mouth shut on the kinky things floating through from your end, I'd appreciate if you do the same."

Kaylee's face flushed immediately. He knew that Kaylee told River and Inara a whole lot about her sex life, but he was sure he'd heard one or two things that she'd never repeat to them. Mal gave Kaylee's chin a loving pinch, and their eyes met with that sweet connection he shared only with her.

"So there was something kinky?" Inara needled.

-ooo-

Mal paced the ship on his final rounds, intentionally taking his time so it would be late when he made it to Jayne's room, and maybe they wouldn't start reading that book just yet. He was uneasy about the coming job and not much in the mood for frivolities. Their buyer, Terrance, had shot him the last time they met, and Mal couldn't get over the sense that this time he'd aim to kill. Mal tipped his head sideways and rolled his shoulders back, trying to work loose the worry. Maybe Jayne *was* what he needed tonight – in more ways than one.

Cutting short his last pass through the cargo hold, Mal stepped through the passenger dorms and tipped open Jayne's door. He couldn't recall when he'd stopped knocking.

"Hey, mind if I –" Mal paused and looked curiously at Jayne who was sprawled over his arm chair, drinking lazily from a flask. "Do you always drink at night?"

"You got a problem with that?"

Mal entered casually and took a seat on the bed facing Jayne. "No, just asking. I've only known you close during this last year of abstinence."

Jayne grunted. "I smoke too and my mother tells me I curse like a gou cao de sailor. You gonna run screaming."

"Believe it or not, I haven't been hanging around you all these months because I get off seeing you all helpless. I know I haven't seen half of you, but I've enjoyed the half I've seen up close."

"Guess now you get to see me changing back to who I used to be."

"I'm hoping so. I could use a gun hand on this next job."

Jayne's head lifted, his interest piqued as he looked to see if Mal was serious. Mal was dead serious, because he needed all the help he could get, and seeing Jayne fixing his own weapons the day before had given him the notion he was ready. Jayne's jaw clenched and unclenched the way it did when he was thinking about jobs, shooting, and strategy. It made Mal smile because he hadn't seen that face since before Jayne was injured and hadn't even realized it had gone missing.

"I don't know, Mal," Jayne said, looking a little crestfallen at his own words. "I'm no use if my arm starts seizing up in the middle of it all. I can shoot left handed, but not if I'm blind from pain."

"I'm sure Simon could give you something to make sure you last the job."

Jayne pursed his lips, desire fighting reason.

"I wasn't thinking front line or nothing. Just set up a sniper shot from the hill and have our backs. "

"It's been awhile since I made a long shot."

Mal grinned and stood to leave. "Well, you have three days to practice."

Feeling a little better, Mal headed out again to get some shut-eye. He was stopped by Jayne's voice.

"Mal, wait. You got time?"

Mal stopped at the door, looking back into the room. The words 'Always for you' floated through his head, but he bit them back.

"Sure," he agreed, then went to sit on the bed. He could see the book sitting on the nightstand table and a jar of something next to it. Ta ma de, was Jayne already wanting *that*?

Jayne flopped on the bed next to Mal, laid his head on Mal's lap, then handed over his flask. It was either something Kaylee made or that solvent they used to clean blood stains off the deck plate. Either way, one sip was all Mal wanted.

"We can read a different book, you know," Jayne offered. "Don't have to be that one."

Mal nodded in agreement. "Yeah, mayhaps we bit off more than we could chew."

"Naw, it's just more fun reading things that don't matter so much."

"And there's that." Mal looked sideways at the wall, wondering if he should be embarrassed.

"We can handle the first chapter. First chapter's just kissing and you do that fine already."

Mal smiled at the flattery, then caught Jayne's meaning and looked sharply.

"You've read it?" he demanded.

Jayne averted his eyes, but there was a smirk on his face.

"You've read it already, you sneak!" Mal cried, grabbing the pillow and whacking Jayne's head. Jayne guffawed happily, caught the pillow, and tossed it sideways. The momentum combined with the fact that Mal still had a firm hold on the pillow, launched Mal off the bed. He landed on his knees, but rolled to his feet quickly.

"Maybe I read a little," Jayne teased, catching the pillow as Mal charged him again. Jayne hooked him around the shoulders, and turned sharply, throwing Mal against the wall, and pressing himself flush against him. Pinned, Mal surrendered the fight to the heat of Jayne's body all around him, shivering as Jayne leaned his face next to Mal's ear and growled low and hot. Mal shuddered as the tremors vibrated through his bones, but he resisted the urge to arch against Jayne. He could still get the upper hand in this if he played his cards right. His arms were pinned, his legs – well, he didn't want to go there just yet.

As soon as Jayne's earlobe was within reach, Mal flicked his tongue against the soft skin and whispered, "So show me what you've learned."

-ooo-

It took awhile to get comfortable on the bed, because of Jayne's arm. Jayne still needed to lie on his back, and Mal had to sprawl over his left shoulder so he wouldn't put any undue pressure on the right side. Fortunately Mal liked lying on his stomach, and he nestled his face in the crook of Jayne's shoulder, his warm breath making a humid spot on Jayne's shirt. He wasn't quite sure how it started, but somewhere in the midst of making out, Jayne had noticed the tension in Mal's neck and started massaging him. Now they were lying on the bed, Jayne's left arm holding Mal in place, his right reaching across and working the tension from Mal's back. Placing the heel of his hand on one side of Mal's spine, then curving so the pads of his fingers hit the other, Jayne eased away the knots all the way from his shoulders to his lower back, and Mal had to struggle not to grunt and groan with each circle of Jayne's hands.

"Jeez, Mal, you're tenser than a hail of bullets. You ain't riled for being with me are you?"

"No," Mal murmured, sucking in so he wouldn't drool on Jayne's chest. "This next job. Even with you on perimeter, it's risky."

"Not the first risky job you've had," Jayne pointed out. Mal groaned and buried his head in Jayne's shoulder as Jayne's hands worked sideways over his ribs.

"You always get this tense before a job?"

"I … I keep seeing myself dying in this one," he confessed. Mal shifted a little, molding his body against Jayne's, not daring to admit that coming back never mattered so much before now.

"No sense thinking on that. My mother says worry is as useful as a handle on a snowball."

Mal didn't see the sense in the statement, but was getting too contented to say so. It was an interesting turn of the tables – he'd always been on the giving end of massages with Jayne, but decided it was *really* nice from the other side.

"Can you read me something?"

"Don't see much point in moving," Jayne smiled, giving him a light squeeze. "You're about to fall asleep on me anyway."

"Maybe I should go, then." He didn't want to go because now Jayne's fingers were massaging his scalp and he felt his whole mind turn to jelly along with his body. He tried lifting his head, but Jayne pushed it back down, pressing Mal's ear against his chest until Mal heard his heart beating.

"Go to sleep, Mal."

"I am asleep," Mal murmured. The last thing he felt before drifting off was Jayne's fingers gliding through his hair, and the lingering tingles after Jayne lightly kissed the top of his head.

-ooo-

Mal woke up first the next morning and his first thought was that he wanted to go right back to sleep. There was no blanket, but Jayne was the type of man that radiated heat, so they were both plenty warm. They were also both fully clothed, right down to the boots, because by the time they'd determined to fall asleep in each others arms, moving wasn't an option. If they'd started moving, they'd've just gone back to separate rooms again. Mal liked that Jayne wasn't fickle about having shoes on the bed like some folks were. He also liked the scruffy feel of that goatee on his lips, if only for the novelty of the feeling.

Lifting his head, Mal shifted slightly taking some of his weight off Jayne, bracing himself against the wall so he wouldn't slide off the bed. With a mischievous smirk, he flitted his tongue across that rough goatee and Jayne stirred lightly, a smile spreading over his face. Mal brushed his leg over Jayne's hips, and Jayne moved again, wrapping his arms more tightly around Mal to still him.

Feeling devious, Mal reached a hand down and started stroking Jayne through his pants. Jayne grunted and leered approvingly, finally opening his eyes to look at Mal. Of all the things Mal had done for Jayne over the past year, this is the one thing Jayne had no shame in taking and it made it all the more fun for Mal to watch. Jayne's head dropped back against the pillow as his hips thrust up into Mal's hand. Mal pressed a thigh between Jayne's legs, leaving that as a scratching post so he could use his arms to balance himself right over Jayne's face and take himself a kiss. He went in rough, crushing his lips against Jayne, but both Jayne's hands fell on his face, caressing his temples with feather-light fingertips, turning the kiss into a smooth, gentle massage. Mal liked rough kissing, but he liked even more that it wasn't the only way Jayne knew how to kiss.

Kissing and grinding, their motions went from smooth to frantic. Jayne grunted and tensed, pulling out of the kiss, and Mal just barely took the hint in time, removing his thigh from Jayne's crotch before his own pants got wet with cum. Jayne's head fell against the pillow again, a happily sated look plastered on his face, a large wet spot grazing the front of his trousers. After kissing Jayne lightly across the cheek, Mal climbed off the bed and smoothed his clothes.

"I should get to work," he said smoothly. He wasn't half way to the door before Jayne tackled him to the ground, flipped him over, and started returning the favor. Mal squirmed, pushing Jayne's hips away from his, trying to keep himself dry.

"Jayne, please," Mal pleaded, laughing despite himself. "I still have to walk through the halls in these pants."

Jayne froze over Mal, hand still cupped over the bulge in Mal's pants. With an easy shrug, he went for the buttons on Mal's fly, and flicked free the suspenders as well. Within seconds, Mal's pants were around his thighs and his shirt pushed up to his ribs. Next, Jayne pulled off his own shirt and smoothed it over Mal's stomach like a table cloth and laying Mal's dripping cock on top. The corner of the shirt was damp with Jayne's own cum, and it clung to Mal's bare side. The scene set, Jayne started jerking Mal off with fine, smooth strokes, his fingers ringed and squeezing the base just so. Mal closed his eyes, forcing himself to accept Jayne's hand, but for some reason, it always seemed easier to give than to take.

Jayne dove into a kiss, his tongue penetrating Mal's lips forcefully at the same time his hips came grinding hard against Mal's erection. The cool, damp fabric of Jayne's pants sent shocks and shivers through Mal's body, making him gasp. Jayne's pace switched-up immediately, his kiss becoming softer, his fingers teasing on Mal's balls, one hand gliding under Mal's shirt to worry a nipple. Surrender, he kept telling himself. Surrender.

Alternating between fast and slow, rough and smooth, Jayne eventually wore them both out. Then, laying his body prostrate over Mal's, Jayne growled in his ear "come" and Mal came, his cock sandwiched between Jayne's t-shirt on his stomach, and Jayne's already damp pants. As Mal trembled with the aftershocks of release, Jayne lifted off, patted Mal dry, and tucked him back into his clothes.

"See," Jayne said, smoothing down Mal's shirt. "Dry as a bone."

As Mal shook his muscles loose and found his feet, Jayne stripped out of his twice-dampened pants and went in search of his shower gear. Before Mal left, Jayne snaked an arm around his waist, pulling him close, and growling against the back of his neck in a way that made Mal's hair stand on end.

"Stop thinking on the job," Jayne rumbled. "I got your back. Distracted means killed."

-ooo-

The day after the job, Jayne brought the book to Mal's room to read a chapter. They'd finally made their way through the first chapter on kissing. It took forever because they were trying everything as they went and Mal kept writing edits into the margins. The next chapter was massaging and Mal knew they both already had gold stars in that category. Jayne climbed into the bunk, armed with the book and an ice pack.

"What's the pack for?"

"Your foot. I saw you limping."

Mal pursed his lips, annoyed that he'd failed to hide the injury. He used to be good at these things, but Jayne was starting to read him too well. Jayne took his own boots off, motioning Mal to do the same and they arranged themselves on the bed so that Jayne sat sideways with his back against the wall and Mal leaned against the headboard, with his feet on Jayne's lap and the ice pack on his ankle. Aside from the ankle, all either had from the job were a few scrapes and bruises and a little soreness.

Mal took the book from Jayne and thumbed through the chapters, perusing the headings. Jayne stared tiredly at the opposite wall, his fingers massaging deftly up Mal's calf. When he hit a particularly large bruise, Mal flinched and Jayne's fingers froze.

"You want me to stop."

"No," Mal answered honestly. "I'm just bruised."

"You'd tell me to stop, right?"

"How do you mean?"

"I mean the other day when I was jerking you off and I couldn't figure if you didn't want me to or if you didn't want *yourself* to want me to."

Mal stayed silent, averting his eyes. Jayne certainly read him like a book these days.

"Mal, it's been a long while since I've trusted a man as far as I trust you. And it's a mystery to me why, when I was turned loose on a world, all I wanted to do was chase more after you."

Mal smiled anemically, keeping quiet because he knew it was difficult for Jayne to say these things.

"I ain't signing up to have and to hold," Jayne continued. "Just seems right now I'd rather spend my time chasing you than do anything else. I don't foresee that changing much when I'm healed up. If'n you get to know me better and don't want to stay so close, we shake hands and back out, no strings. Still friends, Mal. Gotta be friends. Don't want to lose that just 'cause I healed up. Don't want to fuck it up by fucking each other. It's not worth it."

Mal nodded, relief coursing through him, bringing along certainty and hope.

"Jayne, there's no place I'd rather be than here now with you," he said, hoping it wasn't too sentimental. Turning his foot in Jayne's lap, Mal punctuated the statement by brushing his toes teasingly over Jayne's crotch. Then he opened the book to chapter two and started reading.

-ooo-


	3. Know Your Heart

**Know Your Heart**

_Don't want to fuck it up by fucking each other. It ain't worth it. _That's what Jayne had said in an uncharacteristically verbose and strangely eloquent moment. Mal treasured few things in his life, and though he'd never intended it walking in, his friendship with Jayne had become one of those things worth living for. The friendship, not the extras. They'd backed off on the physical stuff when they realized they were only keeping it up as a matter of competition – neither wanted to be the first to back away. Actually, Mal hadn't realized it on his own. Zoë had told him outright one day. She read him as well as Jayne. How gorram feng le was his life that he'd found two people who not only saw right through him, but stuck around even knowing the man underneath.

Sometimes Mal wondered if he was missing out (like every time Jayne snuck up behind him and growled hotly in his ear), but most times he didn't wonder. Once sex was taken off the table, he recognized the easiness coming back and how both he and Jayne were being a little more honest with themselves by keeping things less complicated. It was somewhere in the middle of that chapter on blow jobs when they threw in the towel and tossed that yu ben de book. They'd stopped reading, but wo de ma did those words leave a powerful image in Mal's head. He knew Jayne would blow him any time he asked, no strings, because Jayne was lax about sex like that, and he understood a strong itch. But Mal didn't want to get into the habit of asking such things of Jayne. Too complicated.

Mal sighed tiredly as he finished washing dishes and headed out of the galley to check inventory in the supply closets. From the smell of it, Jayne was in the cargo bay pressing weights, as was his old routine. He'd finally recovered enough of his body mass that his shirts didn't hang nearly so loose and Mal tried to pretend he didn't enjoy the view any more than he should. Their brief fling had made them very comfortable with each other, and maybe they sat closer than most men might, and maybe bumping shoulders carried more weight than it did for others. Mal never thought much of it until Kaylee called him on it one day, and said he was ogling. Even now, Mal shrugged it off and leaned over the railing of the catwalk to catch a glimpse – he didn't mind ogling if there was no pressure to act later.

Kaylee stepped into the bay, making enough of a show of puttering that Mal knew she had no business there, and then she started looking around. Mal jerked up quickly, not wanting to be caught by her again, and made a beeline for Inara's shuttle. He needed her timetable anyway.

He knocked and Inara opened the door almost immediately, inviting him into the space. It always felt dark coming in there, but warm, like he was entering a womb. Hmmm. Bad image. Like entering a … very warm, soft, safe, and inviting place. He could smell the incense right away, filling his senses, and with hardly a thought, he flopped face-down on the couch.

"Still pining after Jayne?" Inara teased, accustomed to Mal's mid-afternoon visits by now.

"I ain't pining," Mal insisted. "We're friends and that's all we should be."

"That's all you ever wanted," Inara granted endearingly, preparing him a cup of white tea – the expensive kind that he really liked.

"I know my own mind," Mal defended, sitting up properly so he could accept the drink.

"And his," Inara agreed simply, her gentle tone making him less defensive. "You both seem much more at ease lately."

Mal nodded curtly, glad that someone on this ship saw his reason. "Don't know why we tried to make things so complicated. It's good we realized before we screwed up a decent friendship."

"Naturally, it makes sense to preserve the friendship."

"Naturally," Mal repeated. "I've no notion to be with a man."

"None at all," she echoed. "Both of you have always leaned toward women folk."

"We ain't sly."

"And should you lean that way again, you'll only hurt each other."

"Exactly." Mal finally looked up at her. They'd never agreed so much in the space of a day.

"Plus, there's the crew dynamics to consider."

"The crew, yes."

"And do you love him?"

"Hell, yes! I –" Mal froze, realizing he'd been caught in a trap. "I mean… well he's…"

Inara smiled knowingly. "Seems you don't know your heart as well as you know your mind."

Mal looked bitterly at the tea in his cup, swirling it around as if the mingling of water and leaves could reconcile his own inner conflicts. "We got a good thing. I don't want to screw it up."

-ooo-

Jayne exhaled with every upward press, relishing each bead of sweat dripping from his brow. He was glad Mal hadn't let him get rid of his weight set because he liked it so much more than that stupid bike. He liked slowly adding weight as his muscles grew stronger, using it as a measure of his recovery. He wasn't anywhere near pressing the weight he had before, but now he could actually do three sets of ten reps without his right arm buckling. Now he could work on adding weight instead of just making it through a set.

Simon monitored his progress and had set him a snails-pace regiment, but he'd discovered that Simon wasn't a stranger to weight training, so he didn't mind listening. He had an OT session with Simon later about his fingers. They worked just fine in Jayne's opinion, but Simon insisted they complete the rehabilitation program he'd set out, mind-numbing as it was.

Kaylee wandered into the cargo bay, tapping a wrench on her palm, looking for an excuse to be there. An excuse besides Jayne. She'd been harping him for days about his 'break-up' with Mal, which wasn't really a break-up, but she went on about it. She seemed more upset than either Jayne or Mal had a mind to be. She came over to the bench, standing behind it like she was spotting him, and looked at him with those pitiful, puppy eyes as if he were the one heartbroken.

"It's so crazy seeing you mope around like this."

"Who's moping?" Jayne grunted as he pressed up. Two. Three.

"You. About the Captain. Can't you just talk to him, Jayne? I'm sure he'll come around."

"Around on what?"

"This whole silly break-up."

Jayne groaned, not wanting this conversation. Press five. Six. "Can't break up what was never together, girl."

"But you were together. I saw the way y'all hung off each other. You still do, only you pretend like there's nothing to it."

"We're friends, Li'l Kaylee, and neither of us wants something more." Seven. Gou shi, he was slowing down.

"Not even a little?"

"Why's it matter so much to you anyhow? You miss listening through the walls?"

Kaylee swatted him lightly. "I see –"

Eight. Ai ya! Something painful snapped in Jayne's hand and the world went suddenly spotted. "Kay –" he gasped. "Kay – Kay!"

Kaylee grabbed the bar in the middle and with her help they returned it to the rack. Jayne panted, bracing his right hand against his chest as the pain coursed through him. He felt his arm trembling and his stomach churning and he fought madly to keep his lunch down as the world swirled in black. Kaylee ran off, shouting for Simon, and when the two returned, Jayne was still lying on the bench, hand clutched against his chest, reeling.

"Where does it hurt?" Simon asked, moving his cool, soft hands between Jayne's.

"Last two fingers," Jayne choked. Simon lifted Jayne's hand, using the backs of his silk-smooth knuckles to uncurl Jayne's fingers. Jayne inhaled sharply, feeling a snap like a taut guitar string being plucked.

"I told you not to push yourself."

"Been pressing the same weight for a week now, Doc." He hissed sharply as Simon put pressure on his knuckles. "Gorramit, gimme something to quiet this pain!"

Simon looked down at him with that cold, maddening, unfeeling Doctor look, then found something in his red bag and injected Jayne's arm. Jayne closed his eyes, concentrating on breathing, and when the sparkles stopped exploding behind his eyes, he opened them again.

"Come on to the Infirmary," Simon said gently, helping him up. Jayne leaned a little on Kaylee as he walked, but only because she was there with an arm wrapped around his waist, and not keen on leaving him.

"I'm so sorry, Jayne."

"Girl, this ain't your fault," he groused. When they got to the Infirmary, Jayne hopped onto the bed, bracing his hand against his chest while Simon got that godforsaken scanner ready. He knew it would concern Simon if he lay down, but he was feeling nauseated and didn't rightfully care anymore.

"Are you dizzy?" Simon asked predictably, looking over in concern.

"No."

Simon finished getting the machine ready and arranged Jayne's hand on a rolling table, splaying his fingers. Jayne felt bile rising in his throat. "Ok, a little dizzy now."

Simon stopped moving his hand and started scanning. His eyes squinted at the screen, scrutinizing the readouts. "Doesn't look like anything tore. Did you warm up your wrists before starting?"

"Warm –?" Jayne stuttered, confused and suddenly plagued with the notion that this new injury was his fault. "My hands always went that way before."

Simon nodded, making mental notes and Jayne pressed his head against the pillow in frustration. Jayne absolutely hated when Simon was tight-lipped about a diagnosis as if Jayne were too stupid to understand it.

"Just a strain. It'll be tender for a few days," Simon said, gathering some materials, then splinting Jayne's hand immobilizing both wrist and fingers. Jayne suppressed a groan of frustration and self-disappointment.

"Okay for the job, though?" he asked hopefully.

"We can judge then."

Jayne swallowed his disappointment as his stomach turned again. "Is there nothing more you can give me? I can't eat like this."

"I didn't want to interfere with your drinking."

"I know how it works. Now give me something," Jayne snapped. He'd spent the last year a slave to pain killers. He knew about alcohol-drug interactions. He was getting tired of caring.

-ooo-

As soon as Mal heard about Jayne's injury, he groaned sympathetically. The man's life was a string of misfortune, trapped by that jing chang mei yong de arm. He didn't bother knocking as he entered Jayne's room, and he found his friend lying on the bed, rereading the first book they'd ever read together.

"Hey," he greeted casually, willfully keeping the pity and sympathy from his voice. "Why's Kaylee all hysterical saying she broke your hand?"

Jayne held up his splinted hand, not taking his eyes off the book. "Ain't broken. Just strained."

"I still need you on this job."

Jayne held up his wrist again and glared at Mal. It amazed Mal that they'd learned to speak with no words.

"All told, LaMont knows there's three coming. If only two show, he'll take it as a sign of weakness. If one shows up in a splint, he thinks you've been working hard to protect me."

Jayne grumbled, but a small grin curled his lips.

"Doc says you were in pain."

"Why ask if you've talked to every damn body already!" Jayne finally exploded, slamming the book on the bed.

"I … run into folks that are walking."

"Well I ain't keen on walking right now," Jayne snapped crossly, turning on the bed, putting his back to Mal.

"I know," Mal said quietly, biting back any angry retorts. "S'why I'm checking in."

Jayne banged his head against the pillow a few times, grumbling guiltily. Finally he looked over his shoulder at Mal and mumbled, "Thanks."

Mal nodded and turned to leave.

"Mal, wait. You got time?"

It was a catch phrase for them now – Jayne's way of inviting Mal to stay, but warning him not to do it in pity.

"Sure. I gotta start cooking in an hour, though. Any requests?"

"Meat loaf," Jayne answered immediately. "I like how you spice it."

Mal smiled. "Then I only have half an hour."

"Fair enough."

Mal pulled a chair up next to the bed, close enough so he could prop his feet on the edge, and took the book from Jayne. 'Bees, Beer, and Other Things That Buzz.' It looked like Jayne had read through this one an awful lot, though Mal hadn't seen it since the first time they read it together. Scanning quickly, he picked up reading at the second chapter, laughing at all those jokes he'd forgotten, and laughing more at the ones he and Jayne had abused so heavily he'd forgotten the source. Jayne chuckled lightly every now and again, his eyes closed, absorbing it all. He probably had the whole book memorized. Mal watched as his voice soothed Jayne's body in a way that medicines could not. He was not even finished the chapter before Jayne fell asleep.

-ooo-

That evening, Mal stepped cautiously onto the bridge where Jayne was hunched over the blank vid screen, looking ready to crack.

"Bad news?" he asked. Jayne didn't answer. He'd received a wave from home, which was unusual. "It's just you always get post."

Jayne swallowed thickly. "My little brother is dying. Mother is calling me home."

The 'verse froze briefly, time forgetting to pass as the news hung dead in the air. One more thing piling up on the zheng qi de gou shi dui that was Jayne's life.

"An accident?"

"Illness," Jayne clarified, his eyes downcast, his face ghostly pale. "He was always sick with something or other. If someone two towns away had a cold Matty got it too. It was joke when we were little, but he got so weak."

"So it was bound to get him eventually," Mal finished.

Jayne's brow furrowed and he shook his head, swallowing tears. "Never figured I'd out live him. Tian sha de arm! If I could work more, he could've had more meds! Seen more doctors. Zao gao!"

"Why didn't you say something?" Mal whispered, imploringly. "We could've –"

"Mal, no!" Jayne interrupted sharply. "I ain't working much. Between my meds and River's and the rest of you getting shot and stabbed and burned we're barely scraping by as it is! I'm not gonna take from them that are working to keep us afloat."

"Jayne, half the stock in our Infirmary is stolen," Mal argued. "And though I don't say it to his face, we have the best doctor in the whole damn galaxy getting bored by our mediocre injuries. We could've –"

"No, Mal, no!" Jayne seethed, jumping to his feet, his nose just inches from Mal's. "Don't you dare say I could've stopped this!"

Mal froze, staring hard at Jayne, waiting for that fire to fade. He closed his eyes, seeking his own calm, then sat resolutely in the pilot's chair, preparing to change course. "What world?"

"I can get transport from Persephone," Jayne said quietly. "LaMont will kill you if you don't show."

Mal turned and looked sternly at Jayne. "What. World."

-ooo-

When they landed on Greenleaf, it was early spring. The town was built-up and more middle-class than Mal would've guessed for a man like Jayne to be rooted there. It seemed strange Mal didn't know about Jayne's hometown already, but then he figured he never told Jayne anything about Shadow either. Neither man had entered the black to relive their glory days back in small town nowhere. Jayne called his mother 'Mother' which also struck Mal as odd because he'd pegged Jayne as the 'Ma and Pa' type. Jayne's father had died in a hunting accident three years ago, so that surge in his weapon collection about the same time started making sense.

Jayne's mother worked as a bookkeeper at a local hops garden, which seemed appropriate given Jayne's proclivity with numbers and love of beer. She was as tall as Zoë, well-muscled for a woman, and could probably get away with anything because she had the same baby blue eyes and sweet smile that Jayne did.

Jayne wore his best shirt when they went into town – button down, blue and white stripes. He stood stoically, the crew flanking him on either side, as he led the way down the long road from the space dock to his family's house. Two stories, yellow siding, lots of windows. The house was large compared to the yard. A broken down mule sat out front, looking like someone had tried to fix it and failed. Most anything that could fetch a price had likely been sold off so they could buy medicine. Jayne's mother greeted them at the door, her eyes red and puffy from crying. She'd put in a full day's work already and had arrived only moments before them.

She embraced Jayne heartily, fussing over him, careful of his injured arm which he'd apparently kept her fully apprised of. When she noticed his splinted hand, she reached over into her knitting basket and pulled out a dark purple mitten. It slid easily over his braced fingers, hiding the splint as though it were less shameful to walk around with mittens. They shared a laugh and she kissed the tips of his fingers, took his hand, and turned to face the rest of her visitors.

"Mother, this is my Captain and good friend, Mal Reynolds," Jayne introduced, starting his way around the circle. Mrs. Cobb shook their hands one-by-one, repeating their names so she wouldn't forget. When she reached Simon, her jaw clenched, biting back hope – Mal recognized the look because it was a mannerism she shared with Jayne.

As soon as decorum allowed, Jayne, Simon, and Mrs. Cobb headed up the stairs toward Matty's room. Jayne turned briefly, motioning Mal to come along, so he followed at a distance and hung back by the door. Simon immediately turned on every light in the room and knelt by the bed to examine his new patient. Matty had yellow-blonde hair just like his mother, but it was thick, wavy, and unkempt. His skin was pale and splotched and his head lolled tiredly against the pillow, not interested in a new doctor.

Simon set up a few quick skin tests, drew some blood, and then collected his things to head back to the ship. It was briefer than Mrs. Cobb had expected, and she looked a little perturbed by his early exit.

"There isn't much time," Simon explained. "We have special equipment on Serenity that can analyze this quickly. Can you get his medical records for me?"

Sternly belligerent, Mrs. Cobb led Simon downstairs to get what he asked for. The whole time, Jayne stayed frozen in the middle of the room, broken hand resting over his broken heart, glassy eyes watching his little brother fade away. He didn't say anything to Matty because as soon as Simon had left and the lights were out again, Matty had fallen asleep. Mal stepped tentatively into the room and placed a comforting hand on Jayne's back. Then, because it seemed natural, he wrapped his arms around Jayne's waist and hugged him from behind. Jayne's hands fell over Mal's, pulling them over his heart, and finally his head bowed, acknowledging the connection. Mal felt the heave of Jayne's chest as he remembered to breathe again, and he embraced Jayne all the tighter, pressing his face against Jayne's shoulder.

The sudden clop of footsteps startled them. Mal jumped out of the embrace, but Jayne clasped his hand firmly, and the two of them faced Mrs. Cobb. Mal cast a sidelong glance and Jayne, feeling like a cornered rabbit as Mrs. Cobb glared silently at their joint hands. She folded her arms across her chest, and despite the laws of physics, she towered over them like a giant. Mal couldn't get away because Jayne was still clutching his hand, so he stepped closer… and a little behind Jayne, for protection.

"Looks like he's more than a Captain, Jayne."

"Yeah, Mother, Mal is …" Jayne looked over at Mal, words failing him. His voice was high and scratchy, and his hands were shaking like they did whenever someone mentioned Reavers.

"Boyfriend?" Mrs. Cobb prompted. Jayne cocked his head, but the term didn't sound right.

"Lover?"

Both Mal and Jayne flinched at that one.

"Can't put words like that on it just yet, Mother. The other day, he was my best friend."

Mrs. Cobb raised her chin in that same stubborn way Jayne had, and Jayne shifted on his feet like he'd been rebuked. "And now?"

"He's my …" Jayne looked at Mal, swallowing hard, trying to set words on a relationship that was so far beyond them. "He's my everything."

-ooo-

That night, after all the lights were out and Serenity was asleep, Jayne climbed into Mal's bunk. Mal propped himself on his elbows, squinting into the darkness. From the light leaking in through the open hatch, he saw Jayne standing by the ladder, holding onto the rungs, staring back at him. Jayne was in sleep clothes, but he hadn't removed that mitten his mother had put over his hand. Without a word, Mal held out his arms, inviting Jayne onto the bed, and Jayne came, lying on his side, his back to Mal so they could spoon against each other. The way the pillow was set, Jayne was lying on his right arm, so Mal knew he couldn't last long. Carefully, he scooted his body as much against the wall as possible and nudged Jayne's shoulder so the other man would lie on his back. Jayne did, but he kept his head to the side, his eyes averted, the way he always did when he was ashamed to need something from Mal.

Mal took Jayne's chin, forcing their eyes to meet. "You don't have to hide from me."

Eyes closed, chin quivering, Jayne pulled Mal into a giant bear hug and they rolled onto their sides again, Jayne keeping Mal's face pressed against his chest. Mal figured they needed to be that way so Jayne wouldn't choke on all those tears he was swallowing. He wanted to tell Jayne it was okay to weep for a dying brother, but there didn't seem much point.

-ooo-

Jayne awoke coughing up his unshed tears. If Mal cared, he didn't show it. His grip on Jayne tightened so he wouldn't be shuffled off the bed and eventually they settled again with Mal nestled over Jayne's left shoulder. Jayne wasn't sure of many things, but he knew this was right. Instead of feeling the weight of his grief hovering over him, he felt Mal. Certainly the grief was still there, but it couldn't rest near as close with Mal laying over him. Taking Mal's hand in his own, he kissed Mal's palm three times, then pressed it against the side of his face, inhaling the scent, reveling in the closeness. It had been so long since they'd touched like this. Mal planked his body upwards so that his face rested near Jayne's, looking like he wanted a kiss, but not taking one just yet. Instead, he gazed contentedly, stroking his fingers against Jayne's cheek alternately against and with the grain of his beard.

"That was a nice thing you said last night. To your momma."

Jayne looked away, knowing his words had had a significant impact on Mal, hoping that Mal was being genuine now and not returning a kindness. "Can't lie to her. Not nearly as well as I can to myself."

"Still, it was nice of you to say."

Jayne turned his head toward Mal's hand so that Mal's fingers brushed against his lips. Mal's hand stopped long enough for Jayne to press a kiss on each finger.

"You're lucky your mother is dead."

"Now that's not a nice thing to say," Mal scolded.

"You know what I mean. You saw how my mother looked at us," Jayne groused, thinking back to that shocked look on his mother's face when she saw him holding Mal's hand. She kept glaring daggers as if her eyes alone had power to cut them apart. "You think yours would react any better?"

"My momma would've loved you from a mile off if you managed to get me home again," Mal chuckled, settling his head down on Jayne's shoulder so they wouldn't have to keep avoiding each other's eyes.

"You wouldn't visit?"

Mal shrugged, and shifted a little. "Never wanted to before it went black. After, it was all I could think about."

Jayne kept silent out of respect for the dead planet, but his fingers stroked absently through Mal's hair.

"My momma would've accepted anyone, man, woman, or dog, if they managed to bring me home."

"Way to make a man feel special," Jayne joked, tapping Mal lightly on the head.

Mal hugged him warmly. "I'd've gone home for you. And once my momma got over the shock of it all, she'd've killed us a cow, cut some fresh steaks, and thrown us a party."

"Aw, now I wanna meet her!"

"Damn straight," Mal agreed. They let the silence fall again, waiting for the first sounds of morning to trickle in from above deck. It would probably be another hour.

"You think your momma's gonna let me back in the house?"

Jayne chuckled softly. "She won't be making fresh steak or nothing, but you brought me home and not in a box, and I think that buys you something."

-ooo-

Jayne was showered and dressed, but for some reason his clothes didn't feel right. His heart was all twisted and heavy, so it didn't make sense for his shirt to be hanging off his skin like it was a normal day. It didn't make sense for his skin to be clean and smooth and soap-scented. It didn't make sense to feel all those normal things that he liked in the morning on the same day his baby brother might die. His only brother. His mother had wanted a dozen kids, but she'd stopped at three seeing as Matty was sick so often.

Chewing on his fingernails, Jayne went to the Infirmary to see if Simon had come up with anything in the course of the night. The Doc sat stiffly in a chair, pouring over a bunch of papers, still in yesterday's clothes. He had a fresh coffee cup next to him, and the rings under his eyes said clearly that he hadn't slept.

"Doc?"

"Come in. I'm just reviewing your brother's records."

Jayne entered cautiously, but he kept to the perimeter, having had more than enough negative experiences on that center bed for one life. Briefly, he wondered if that was why River always kept to the sides too.

"I see a string of emergency room visits," Simon mused. "Did your mother ever take him to the hospital when he was well?"

Jayne looked up, surprised that he was being addressed at all. "I think she was busy that day."

Simon shot him a withering look, but it was too tired to carry any threat. "Did you have a family doctor that you went to growing up?"

Jayne shook his head. "Didn't have much money growing up and Matty was always, always sick with something. We counted it a good week if he was only a little sick."

"Was he ever tested for immunodeficiency?"

"You're looking at his papers, not me."

Simon stood carefully, shuffling the papers on his lap so they wouldn't spill onto the floor, then he went to the counter where there were a dozen spent test tubes and gels, and he started setting up something new.

"Is that – whatever you called it – is it bad?"

"ID is treatable," Simon answered dismissively. "It'll take an hour to confirm the diagnosis but if it's what I think, then the only obstacle left is the pneumonia."

"That can still kill him, though?"

"Kaylee is rigging up a medical grade air purifier and that should help," Simon assured, tugging the side of his ear as if that could rev up his brain cells. "Can I borrow some of your blood?"

"Why for?"

"You and Matty have the same blood type. If my hunch is correct, I can use it to help develop a treatment. No sense waiting an hour to get started."

Jayne shifted on his feet, not wanting to risk feeling hope, not wanting the blame for screwing this up.

"What is it?"

"I took more of them pills this morning," Jayne confessed. He'd been trying to stay clean of the pain meds, but he just didn't feel like fighting that and grief in the same day. If he'd known Simon needed his blood –

"Which ones?"

"The little red ones that taste like soap."

Simon's eyes roved ceiling-ward as he thought about it. "Not ideal, but it won't hurt him at this point. Hop up."

He motioned for the table in the center of the room and Jayne didn't move.

"Is there something else?"

Taking a deep breath, Jayne shook his head, hopped on the table, and presented his arm for Simon. He couldn't even look at Simon as the needle went in. All he could think was how dizzy he'd feel after and how he wouldn't be able to walk back to the house to be with his family.

"Just another hour," Simon assured gently, making Jayne wonder if he was a reader like his sister.

-ooo-

Mal stood behind Jayne, arms wrapped around his waist, head buried in his shoulder. One of the caveats of being two and a half inches shorter was that he could only get his chin resting comfortably on Jayne's shoulder when they were sitting. Jayne stood stiff and tall, one hand resting over Mal's as he watched Matty sleep. It had been two days – time enough for Jayne's older sister, his aunt, and three cousins to arrive – and Matty was still breathing. Simon wouldn't say it outright, but he was not hopeful that Matty would survive the pneumonia. The past few days had been filled with Matty's weak and pained request that they give up and just let him die.

The pleas echoed fervently in Jayne's mind. He'd watched men die before, a fair few of them by his own hand. He had no qualms about mercy killing, but in this case, he couldn't let go. He wondered if he was the only one seeing the slight flush of color on his brother's cheeks, or the way Matty's eyes focused a fraction of a second faster whenever he opened them now. Jayne's mother and sister knelt by the side of the bed, his mother's constant prayers muffled by the mask that covered her face. Their words spoke eulogies and psalms like Matty was already dead.

"Mal," Jayne whispered through his own mask. Mal stood on tip toes, hooking his chin over Jayne's shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"I think the medicine will work."

"Hopefully."

Jayne shifted a little, looking uncertainly at his brother. "There's nothing else, right? Nothing else we can do?"

Mal squeezed him tight across the chest. "Sure your momma would appreciate you praying with her."

Jayne looked at his mother and sister, recognizing for the first time that they might need him as much as he was needing Mal right now.

"Go and say your prayers," Mal encouraged, releasing him from the embrace. Tentatively, Jayne stepped toward the bed and knelt behind his mother and sister, placing a hand on each of them. His sister turned immediately and cried on his shoulder and all he could think to do was hold on tight and remind her that Matty wasn't dead yet. His mother heard and her prayers stopped for a moment.

"You're right, he ain't," she whispered assuredly, reining the tears back, dragging hope forcefully from that hidden ally where it had been beaten senseless and left to die. Then she placed one hand over Matty's and one over the purple mitten that Jayne still wore, and started a new prayer. It was a simple one she'd taught them all when they were kids and if he thought hard enough, he could remember the words and say it along. He hesitated, looking back at Mal, embarrassed to say such a silly prayer out loud, but Mal was mouthing the words already. Of course he knew it! He'd memorized that whole holy book before the war, and just because he'd forgotten his faith didn't mean he'd forgotten the words. Jayne's sister joined the prayer, finding strength to lift her head from Jayne's shoulder and reach out for Matty's hand again. Jayne met his mother's eye, inhaled deeply, and started praying too.

-ooo-

Mal stood on the catwalk next to Jayne, their elbows leaning on the railing, the occasional grazes of their fingers becoming more and more tentative. Matty had survived the month and his healing was sure enough that Serenity could leave world and start working again. Jayne's hand was out of the splint and back to its old self. He turned his lone mitten in his hand, every now and then swiping it sideways to bat at Mal.

"What next?" Jayne opened, breaching the topic they'd both been avoiding.

"Depends," Mal shrugged, looking for a joke, but coming up empty. "I don't think your mother would be disappointed if we went back to being friends."

"But I –"

"Grief does funny things to you, Jayne," Mal said quickly, trying to ease the inevitable. "If it helps having me close, then I'll see you through it."

"Mal, I wanted you close long before I ever got news of Matty," Jayne confessed.

Mal stopped and looked at Jayne, not wanting to process the words because he'd just about used up all the hope he had this past month.

"Didn't show." Mal looked back into the cargo bay, avoiding Jayne's face.

"I …" Jayne choked, swallowing hard. Then he reached over and clasped Mal's hand more surely. "Don't think I'm regretting us backing off. It was good and we needed to. Both of us needed that space."

"I ain't disagreeing. Not one of us was sure what we wanted."

"We weren't ready," Jayne agreed. He was glad Mal hadn't shaken their hands loose, but he wasn't willing to force their connection beyond that.

"'Nara says I've been pining after you," Mal mused, smiling reflectively. His eyes twinkled with the memory.

"What do you say? You want me?"

Mal tugged Jayne's hand and turned him once so that his arm fell around Jayne's waist. So entwined, they leaned on the catwalk railing again.

"I want you," Mal said quietly, finding now he knew both his heart and his mind at once. "And I think now, I'm _ready _to want you."

-ooo-


	4. Ready to Want

**Ready to Want**

Mal was used to being on the giving side of their friendship – Jayne was injured, Jayne was grieving, Jayne was always needing him for something. Jayne liked sex because it evened the odds a little (and plus it was sex!). Whether it was a massage or a hand job, their brief fling taught Jayne that letting go was harder for Mal than facing a fleet of Alliance cruisers. It was a fact that made Jayne want to fuck Mal so bad, because if he did, Mal would have to surrender control. Through the course of his rehabilitation, Jayne had no choice but to surrender control over and over, and in sex he wanted the control not because he was macho, but because he wanted to know that Mal reciprocated that trust.

_I'm ready to want you_, Mal had said. It made Jayne smile inside, because so much of the problem before was that neither were willing to admit what they wanted. They could to each other, somehow, but never to themselves, and that made it all manner of confusing. Wasn't so confusing now with their arms knotted around each other so tight and their tongues fighting for control of a kiss. The catwalk railing dug into Jayne's ass as Mal pressed up against him harder and harder, their pretzeled arms constricting and straining until they couldn't hold hands anymore.

Once released, Jayne's hands flew to the catwalk rail, pressing hard against it, trying to keep from being kissed right over the edge. Mal's arms rested by Jayne's shoulders, his hands running over Jayne's rough beard from ear to chin repeatedly as if he were directing the kisses further into his mouth. When he had his balance, Jayne's hands fell over Mal's waist, then gripped his ribs, then pulled his shoulders closer and closer until the heat welded their skin together. Keeping one hand on Mal's back, Jayne found the railing again, and using that as a guide he directed Mal toward the stairs. They stumbled at the first and Mal broke the kiss so he could look over his shoulder at where his feet were falling. Jayne's hand on his back kept him balanced but the turn of his head had presented the sensitive skin of his neck for kissing and Jayne dove in without delay.

"Where we going?"

"My bunk," Jayne answered between kisses.

"Mine's closer."

Jayne found Mal's lips and devoured them while he firmly constricted his arm around Mal's waist and carried him to the platform halfway down the stairs.

"Mine has the lube," Jayne pointed out, pressing his lips against Mal's chest to keep him moving.

Mal's whole body froze, so Jayne stopped pushing him in the direction of his bunk and tried to reestablish their kiss. Mal was stuttering, like he wanted to protest, but couldn't find the words.

"Do you trust me?" Jayne asked.

"Yeah, I …"

"Enough to let me fuck you?"

Mal's knees went weak as Jayne sucked on his earlobe. "Sure, I …"

Finally Jayne stopped and stepped back, leaving Mal whimpering. "You'd tell me to stop, right?"

Mal didn't answer. He leaned closer trying to get Jayne's lips on his skin again. "Mal?"

"Just do it," Mal pleaded, using his own lips to coax Jayne's to motion.

Jayne fought him back, holding him by the shoulders. "Dammit, Mal, don't you fucking lie to me!"

Mal pulled back sharply, looking around as Jayne's bellow echoed through the bay. Jayne caught on and dropped his voice to a whisper.

"Truthful, Mal, what are you 'ready' to want from me?"

"I …"

"Don't have to be sex."

Mal closed his eyes, his chin dropping against his chest. "Keep kissing. I like that."

Jayne changed up the kisses after that becoming less needy and more playful. Most folks had a repertoire of kisses that only said five or six different things, but Jayne's kisses had a wider vocabulary than a dictionary! When they got to Jayne's room, he changed rhythm again, becoming slow and demanding, yet hypnotically gentle. His fingers undid the first few buttons of Mal's shirt and slipped inside, sliding unevenly on the sweat-moistened skin. He pressed his palms across Mal's hardened nipple and Mal arched against the touch. Mal's hands searched shakily for the hem of Jayne's shirt, but Jayne swatted them away.

"No favors, tonight," Jayne ordered, rolling and pinching Mal's nipple as he said it. "Just let me take care of you. Tell me what you want."

"I want to touch you."

Jayne let Mal remove his t-shirt for that, and his skin tingled where Mal's fingers brushed over his rib cage to his shoulders. He unbuttoned Mal's shirt a little further, plundering each newly exposed bit of flesh with more kisses, changing up sucking hard and smoothly caressing. Mal was so overwhelmed by the assault that his hands couldn't do much more than tremble against Jayne's skin. Jayne thought the vibration was a nice touch. He covered Mal's torso with kisses naval to neck, finger-tip to finger-tip, watching as Mal writhed beneath him, crying out and arching.

Their mouths met with a soft, lip-sucking kiss, and Jayne started undoing the buttons on Mal's fly. He peeled off the pants, leaving Mal's boxers on, then started kissing over Mal's exposed legs, his hands and tongue teasing with pressure, his breath tickling through the hair on Mal's legs.

Mal slipped a hand into his boxers and started stroking himself and Jayne leered approvingly. He knew by this that Mal wasn't going to ask for more than he wanted, and right now, Mal wanted kisses. Jayne planted rows of tender kisses along Mal's arms and legs, cataloging each whimper he elicited. Then he traveled down the centerline of Mal's body, chasing as Mal's stomach contracted, letting his tongue tease and press at the waistband of Mal's shorts without crossing the line. Mal thrust into his own hand, pumping furiously as the front of his shorts became damp.

With two firm fingers, Jayne parted Mal's thighs, kissing the insides, raising the hem of Mal's shorts until his lips brushed against Mal's fingers. Mal pulled his face closer until Jayne's lips teased against his balls.

"Want these off?" Jayne asked, hooking a finger in the waistband.

"Please," Mal panted, his voice gravelly with desire.

Mal arched his hips so Jayne could pull off the garment, and he left it beside them on the bed in case he wanted it later for clean-up. Jayne looked over Mal's naked body, seeing it like he never had before – alive and aching to be touched. He kissed over the newly exposed skin of Mal's hips and across the abdomen while Mal continued to stroke himself. Then he pulled Mal's hand aside so that he could kiss up Mal's shaft with wicked, evil teases. When Mal started bucking against him, he removed his lips and replaced Mal's hand. Mal jerked his hand away and pounded the bed in frustration.

"Ta ma de, Jayne! Just blow me already!"

Jayne nuzzled and licked teasingly up Mal's body, lingering by the chin, his head propped on one hand, his other hand making soothing strokes across Mal's hip bone while ignoring the dancing cock.

"That's a hell of a way to ask."

Mal's eyes shot open looking incredulously at Jayne. He placed his hand back on his own cock, stroking gently just so he'd have enough relief on his skin to think.

"Please, Jayne. I want you to."

Jayne planted a happy kiss on Mal's lips, then snarled against his skin as he went down. Mal's cock literally jumped into his mouth and he teased his tongue across the slit, barely catching the fact that Mal winced. Sensitive tip, Jayne thought, but didn't say. He'd never sucked a cock before and never realized how much bigger it seemed when it was thrusting against your throat. Holding Mal's hips steady, Jayne set a gentle rhythm, trying to remember all the things he loved about getting blown and doing that for Mal. He added a hand to the work, pinching everything within reach, trying desperately to keep Mal from bucking him off.

"Jayne!" The words escaped Mal's lips like the creak of warping metal, and Jayne realized it was as much a warning as Mal could muster. He smiled to himself, trying not to choke as Mal shot off his load.

Mal couldn't believe he'd come without having Jayne whisper the order in his ear! His body trembled with the impact of that trust and the residual waves of orgasm. He watched through glazed eyes as Jayne stood up and spit, but Mal didn't mind. Neither of them had ever blown another man before, so expecting him to swallow would be asking a lot. When Jayne turned slightly, he noticed the bulge of Jayne's pants, and was glad it hadn't been a total chore for Jayne to give this to him. Surrender was a hard lesson for Mal to learn and he wanted many, many more lessons, because wo de ma … he still shivered.

Jayne returned to the bed with a mischievous leer, his tongue plunging across Mal's lips. Mal could taste himself, and his body shook anew, like a fresh orgasm. His skin prickled as Jayne flipped him over and started kissing between his shoulders.

"What are you doing?"

"Relax," Jayne growled against his neck. "You said you wanted kisses and I ain't done this side yet."

Mal laughed and lay still as Jayne plundered his tingling, hyper-sensitized skin with kisses. He twitched and writhed at the mixture of hot tongue swipes and gentle bites. It was almost like a massage down his back, over his butt, down his legs. Aside from the occasional graze of Jayne's thumb between his cheeks, Jayne was steering clear of his ass, and Mal was grateful for that. He felt Jayne kissing up his back again, detouring to survey the scars, deep massaging around the spine as he went.

The grain of his beard caught in the hairs on the back of Mal's neck, and then he was sucking on Mal's ear. Mal couldn't help but roll over and capture those lips in a long, grateful kiss. He wrapped his arms around Jayne's neck, his stomach twittering as those rough, calloused hands glided over his arms. As soon as Jayne had sucked the air out of Mal's lungs, he lapped along the front of Mal's body again, making Mal pant and writhe. Mal squirmed desperately, knowing he couldn't get it up again so soon, but wishing he could anyway so that the tingling in his flesh wouldn't fade. He rubbed his hands over himself and Jayne's fell on top, half-guiding the motion. Every now and then, Mal reached out his thumb and grazed his spent cock to see if it was warming up yet.

"Wait," Mal hissed, opening his eyes and looking lustily at Jayne, seeing there the hardness he craved. Shaking their hands apart, Mal opened the front of Jayne's pants just enough to slip a hand inside and they both groaned at the contact.

"Let me…" Mal gasped. "Can I … please."

Jayne removed his pants and sat on the side of the bed, letting Mal crawl over him and cover him with kisses, though Mal's attention was more singly focused. His pupils dilated with lust, he knelt on the floor between Jayne's legs and started sucking him off. Jayne was not one to get off on sucking alone, but he figured he'd throw a hand into the mix if Mal didn't. Jayne shivered as the tip of Mal's tongue put pressure on the vein underneath his shaft. He grumbled with pleasure when Mal tested his slit and Mal took the hint, repeating the stimulation. Mal's hands ran up his thighs and he started sucking with vigor, and Jayne's head fell back getting lost in the feel.

"Ah, fuck this!" Mal growled to himself, pulling his mouth free. Jayne looked up, wondering if maybe Mal didn't want to be blowing him, but Mal pushed him onto his back and climbed on top of him, a greedy look in his eyes. Stunned, Jayne watched as Mal ground their groins together once, and then he angled himself up and set Jayne's spit-slick cock at his entrance.

"Mal!"

"I want this Jayne!" Mal rumbled, his voice dripping with desire. "Tell me if you don't."

Startled and concerned by the sudden change in events, Jayne tackled Mal sideways off the bed and they rolled onto the floor, Jayne landing on top. Mal wrestled at first, but Jayne kept him pinned, letting him know that this was not a game.

"If you want this, we're doing it right," Jayne said sternly, reaching for the jar of lube on the side table. "Simon gave me this gou shi for a reason and I'm not gonna get yelled at when he has to sew you up because you got a little trigger happy."

Jayne looked into Mal's eyes, seeing a mixture of surprise and desire there. The control he had over Mal was arousing, and he only hoped Mal felt the same. Keeping Mal immobilized with one arm, he opened the jar with one hand and dipped a finger inside, then he created a small space between their bodies, and probed at Mal's entrance.

Mal's eyes went wide at the contact and his cheeks clenched around Jayne's hand.

"You still want this?"

Mal swallowed hard and nodded. Jayne swirled his finger around the puckered hole, wishing they were doing this in a position he could see better. Finally, he pushed his finger tip inside. Mal cringed and tensed, biting his lip to keep from crying out.

"It's gonna hurt if you're tense," Jayne warned.

Mal nodded, not breathing enough to speak.

"Aren't you glad we did this the slow way?" Jayne chuckled.

Mal gasped as Jayne pressed in to the first knuckle.

"Relax, Mal," Jayne whispered soothingly. "Relax or I'll stop."

Mal took a few deep breaths, then relaxed his body so that Jayne could press in a little more. They rolled on the floor, Jayne pulling Mal on top of him, freeing Jayne's second arm so he could offer calming strokes along Mal's body. Mal gasped and whimpered, burying his face into Jayne's skin, trying so hard to relax his muscles. He started thrusting back against Jayne's hand which Jayne took as a good sign, so he pressed another finger at Mal's entrance.

"Ready for more?"

Mal shook his head.

"Want me to stop?"

There was a long pause during which neither of them moved. Finally Mal nodded, gasping with relief as Jayne's hand pulled out. Jayne wiped the lube on his leg and ran soothing fingers up and down Mal's body until Mal stopped shaking and started breathing normal.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No," Mal answered honestly, but he shifted uncomfortably like he was disappointed with himself. Without meeting Jayne's eye, Mal heaved up his body and started going down on Jayne to finish him off. Rolling his eyes, Jayne grabbed Mal's shoulders to stop him.

"I said no favors," Jayne chided, pulling Mal into a hug. "I can handle myself for now. Tell me what you want."

Mal pressed his face against Jayne's chest while the rest of his body stayed limp for lack of a better plan. "I want to forget what just happened."

"I think I can manage that," Jayne snickered, smiling more out of hunger than sympathy. Licking his lips once, he cradled Mal's face between his hands and ravaged it with sloppy, wet kisses.

"Let's see. Memories," he murmured, kissing his way to Mal's ear, sucking on the earlobe and siphoning out all conscious thought. "There they are!"

Mal laughed as Jayne turned him over and around, then tossed him back onto the bed. He flipped Mal roughly, attacking the nipples next, using the flat of his tongue, then swirling them to peaks. "And here," he growled, the sound sending vibrations straight to Mal's loins.

"And oh, wait, here's my favorite," he grinned devilishly, holding Mal down as he dipped his tongue into the crease of Mal's armpit. Mal yelped loudly, his cock getting fuller and heavier with every swipe of Jayne's tongue. Jayne ringed his fingers around Mal's cock, teasing his balls as he put pressure on the base of the shaft. Jayne certainly had cataloged Mal's pilot lights.

"You ready to go again?" Jayne checked, stroking lazily, bringing Mal to full hardness. Mal wrapped his arms and legs around Jayne, pressing groin to groin so that their cocks slid together, sandwiched by their stomachs. With a gentle grind, the both moaned and their full, heavy balls smacked lightly against each other. Pulling Jayne's lips in to his for a slow, satisfied kiss, Mal made one last request.

"Bring us off together?"

-ooo-


	5. Do What You Like

**Do What You Like**

"Stop thinking so much," Jayne murmured, wiping his nose against Mal's shirt. It was far from morning when he felt Mal stirring again. The man was downright restless and on a bed made for one, every twitch was shared between the two of them.

"You all the sudden a reader?"

"You're twitchy when you're thinking."

Jayne shifted, throwing a leg over Mal's hips, trying to settle in and sleep through the moment, hoping Mal wouldn't get up again and start pacing. Mal had dressed the first time he got up and his cotton shorts and t-shirt were smooth against Jayne's naked skin, but Jayne much preferred the sticky warmth of skin on skin.

"I'm not twitchy."

"You keep flexing your ass, and given our relative positions, you might get something stuck in it if you keep up." They were spooned against each other on the small bed, Mal enveloped thoroughly by Jayne's body.

"Would that be so bad?" Mal asked quietly, almost like he was ashamed.

Jayne rubbed his rough beard against the back of Mal's neck and kissed gently. "Only in that we ain't ready for it yet. Stop thinking. Go back to sleep."

Mal burrowed into Jayne, his mind still whirring, his eyes unable to close. He could feel Jayne's slow, humid breaths against the back of his neck and Jayne's thumb rubbing soothingly over his chest with only the minimal amount of motion.

"Jayne, about last night –"

"This better not be an apology."

"Jayne –"

"Stop thinkin' on the negative. Did you do anything last night you didn't want to?"

"No. Well. I …stopped."

Jayne unwrapped himself from Mal and propped himself on one elbow, pulling Mal onto his back so he could look down at the man. "You know how many times over the last year I've wanted to do something and had to stop because my arm wasn't ready for it."

"That's –"

"Do you know?" Jayne demanded, capturing Mal's attention again with his fierceness.

"Haven't kept count, no."

"But you've seen it a hell of a lot more often and more up close than most people on this boat."

"Reckon I have."

"You know why?"

Mal didn't answer.

"I trust you, Mal. You see the difference twixt things I want to do and things I can and you don't put shame in the gap. What makes you think I'll treat you different?"

"This isn't the same," Mal said quietly, looking sideways at Jayne's arm. It was all scar tissue and skin grafts from fingertips up to the elbow. From the elbow up, Jayne's own dark skin appeared in shreds between long red scars radiating all the way over his shoulders to his sternum, one long scar even reaching his belly. The arm seemed to be supporting him just fine now.

"Way I see it, we got plenty of time to work up to all the sex varieties. Don't have to try 'em all in one night. We just keep doing what we like and what we're comfortable with and we'll be okay, dong ma?"

He settled over Mal again, signaling the conversation's end, so Mal just sighed and nestled against him.

"And who said you could pull on my shirt again? You ain't allowed to be cute."

Mal smiled meekly as Jayne's hand ran under the hem of the shirt, raking across his stomach.

"I wasn't walking to the galley naked in the middle of the night. This shirt don't have buttons."

Jayne grunted, half-asleep again. "If you got a snack, how come you didn't bring me nothing?"

Mal didn't answer again. His arms fell over Jayne's and he squeezed gently, milking a hug from his new lover. Lover. Was he ready for that word? He looked over his shoulder at his bedmate and Jayne kissed his temple lightly.

"You read that book didn't you? You read the rest of it."

"Hmm?"

"Last night… you knew what to do."

"Maybe I read it through," Jayne admitted sleepily. "Paid money for it. Would've been a waste of coin not to."

Mal fell silent again, trying not to be too twitchy as he brooded in self-disappointment. Jayne inhaled loudly as his arms constricted around Mal and he rolled Mal over in his hands until they were facing. Once facing, Jayne pulled him into a slow, peaceful good morning kiss that spoke a hundred endearments.

"Something else bothering you, ke ai ren?"

"Don't call me cute."

"Don't wear my shirt," Jayne countered dangerously. His finger caressed Mal's cheek, his eyes roving contentedly over Mal's face, cataloging every line and feature. Mal couldn't help falling into those clear blue eyes, drowning in the adoration and the joy of being wanted so fiercely.

"Gorram, it really is soft as peach fuzz at this hour," Jayne breathed, palming Mal's cheek, then drawing him close.

"Last night," Mal whispered between kisses, lying on his back and letting Jayne crawl on top of him. Jayne pealed off the shirt and kissed a trail from Mal's naval up to his nose.

"Last night," Mal began again. "It wasn't a favor."

"What's that?"

"I wanted to suck you off," Mal panted arching to press Jayne's lips on his sternum. "I wanted to finish."

Jayne paused over top of him, swaying his hips side to side so his cock dragged across Mal's shorts. "Want my advice?"

"No."

Jayne took Mal's hand and sucked on a finger. "Use more than just your tongue. Brings me off faster."

"You learn that from the book?"

Jayne shook his head, kissing Mal's palm and standing up. "I put some edits in the margins for you. In case you ever feel like reading."

Mal grunted lustily as Jayne stood up and crossed the room, rooting through piles of clothes for something approaching clean.

"I'll find my own way."

"I'm sure you will," Jayne smiled, finding some pants and pulling them on with no unders. Mal watched with disappointment.

"Where are you going?"

"I know that look in your eye."

Mal furrowed his brow. "And you're leaving?"

Jayne held up his scar-covered hand. "Doc's trying something new today for OT. He said not to eat or exercise beforehand."

Mal came to his knees, his hands swiping at Jayne as he walked by and pulling him back to the edge of the bed. "I can make it easy on you."

"I know," Jayne grinned, capturing Mal's chin and sucking those full lips into his mouth. "But I'll still wind up hungry after."

-ooo-

Mal squirmed uncomfortably all through breakfast, fighting the morning hard-on that came with the thought of Jayne tucked commando into his pants. Then he thought of the book and what edits Jayne may have written into the margins. If their edits to chapter one were any indication, there were a thousand orgasms waiting to happen just from the reading. He looked around at the others, wondering if any of them noticed his discomfort, and hoping they associated it with the palpable absence of Simon and Jayne.

Fidgeting madly, Mal tapped his cup on the table, wondering how long this new therapy might take. He didn't need any more coffee, and even if he did, he didn't dare move with his pants all tented and everyone watching him. Everyone being Kaylee. She was the only one who could tolerate his company at present. Everyone else had filled their plates and left. Mercifully, Kaylee offered him tea and toast as she moved to get seconds for herself. They weren't waiting more than half an hour before Simon sloughed in and slumped into the first available chair, looking both perplexed and guilty.

"Where's Jayne?" Mal asked, wondering that any therapy so short could be so brutal as to keep Jayne from the breakfast table.

Simon shrugged distantly. "He … we decided to stop for today."

"Did he want breakfast?"

Simon shook his head and Mal struggled to read that look in his eyes. Partly stunned, but dominated by that perplexed look he got whenever River didn't respond to treatments.

"Is he alright?" Mal persisted, getting concerned.

"Fine, he –" Simon stuttered, searching for a grip on what was clearly a confusing morning. "Has he had any sudden flare-ups recently? Pain in his arm?"

"Not since that tear in his hand a month ago," Mal answered evenly, biting back the fact that Simon should be asking Jayne these things. "Maybe he ached on occasion, but nothing harsh."

"Does he have a stash of pain meds for that?"

Mal bristled, getting defensive. "None I've noticed. He has a flask of some septic brew, but he hasn't had any all week. Doctor, are you gonna tell me what's wrong?"

Simon rubbed his face with the heel of his hand, accepting the coffee cup that Kaylee slid across the table. When he spoke, it was more to himself than Mal. "Just trying to get his elbow joint working smoothly."

He sighed again and refocused on Mal. "Does he get tired quickly? Is that common?"

"Reading, yes. Sexing, no. What the hell happened?"

Simon looked into his cup, clearly frustrated, reviewing the morning's events in his head. "I was just getting things ready. I turned around and he was slouched on the floor, holding his arm like it hurt. When I asked, he wouldn't say anything. Just seemed angry … and weary… just said to stop."

-ooo-

Mal left Simon to his brooding and went in search of Jayne. He didn't have to search very far. Jayne sat in the cargo bay, straddling the weight bench, leaning on the bar and spinning the disc weight. His right arm was braced against his chest like it ached, but Mal couldn't discern any tension in his muscles. Like Simon said, he looked more weary than anything.

"Want some chow?" Mal opened evenly, stepping close without intruding on Jayne's personal space.

Jayne shook his head, keeping his eyes downcast.

"Doc suspects you're using. Are you?"

Jayne shot him a glare and a wince that clearly said Matty's name and Mal knew he'd been clean on account of that. The man had been giving blood and marrow as much as he could for his brother's cure. Mal had never truly suspected him of abusing painkillers, but since Simon had asked, it was his responsibility to follow up.

The pleasantries getting him nowhere, Mal straddled the bench behind Jayne, keeping distance between their bodies, reaching a hand to start massaging Jayne's shoulder. "Want me to –"

"Ain't that kind of hurt," Jayne interrupted, shrugging off Mal's hand. Pressing his lips together in frustration, Mal scooted closer and wrapped his arms around Jayne's waist pulling him into a hug.

Jayne laughed lightly. "You're a little stiff."

Mal's hands glided seductively over Jayne's hips, pressing into the pockets of his pants. "Maybe I'm remembering you getting dressed this morning and neglecting a layer."

Jayne smirked and pressed back against Mal. "You're too easy."

"You weren't trying to seduce me?" Mal teased with mock disappointment. Mal rubbed his hands up Jayne's body, trying to extract that braced arm so he could work away whatever tension or idea had gripped his lover's mind, by Jayne wouldn't let go. Mal splayed his fingers over the back of Jayne's fisted hand, but even then, Jayne refused to connect. Giving up, Mal rested his head on Jayne's shoulder and held him in a gentle embrace. Sometimes being there was all that mattered.

"Treatment make you sick?"

"I just … want to stop."

"Make you tired?"

Jayne shook his head bitterly. "I'll tell you what I'm tired of. Being the Doc's pet project. He thinks he can fix me up good as new – better than before. Tian xiao de, sometimes I just wish he'd cut off my arm to begin with."

Mal smiled sympathetically tucking his hand suggestively into the waistband of Jayne's pants. "I was very glad for you to have two arms last night."

Jayne rocked back against Mal, his left hand falling over Mal's wrist, holding him there and then pressing Mal's hand a little deeper until his finger's grazed Jayne's tip. Being longer than most men, it was never far from the top. The confined space only allowed Mal to make small strokes with his fingers, but the contact was more of a soothe to Jayne than a turn-on.

"Did you threaten Simon?"

"Not with a weapon," Jayne defended. "Just said stop."

Jayne's head lolled tiredly on Mal's shoulder, lightly stroking Mal's wrist with his left hand, while his right stayed glued to his chest. "He keeps poking me with stuff. Pokes my veins, pokes my bones. He came out with that needle today, and … Mal, you would've cut my arm off for me if you'd seen it. It's not worth … I mean – I'm sick of it."

Mal pulled back in surprise. "You squicked on a needle?"

"He ain't touching my arm again."

"Jayne –"

"Keep laughing and I'll threaten *you* with a weapon," Jayne warned, pushing Mal's hands off his body and standing sharply

"Jayne, Simon is all in a twist trying to diagnose what happened with you this morning."

"Let him twist," Jayne snarled, turning abruptly and leaving Mal cold. Mal jumped off the bench, still trying not to laugh.

"Jayne, wait!"

"Get, you!" Jayne barked, then stalked to his room and slammed the door. Mal waited outside, briefly stunned, but then he shook off the hesitation and entered anyway. Jayne was lying on his side in bed, his back to the door, the covers pulled up to his ears. Mal's jaw flapped a little, wanting to speak, but his heart broke in pity and he left again quietly.

-ooo-

Mal found Simon in the Infirmary, organizing purposefully – the way he always did when he was at a loss for what really needed doing.

"What's this needle you tried poking Jayne with?"

"I –" Simon turned, startled to find he was no longer alone. Wordlessly, he nodded toward a device on the counter and Mal blanched.

"It's no bigger than the marrow needle," Simon explained. "He handled that fine."

"A man will take a lot of things on behalf of a little brother."

Simon's face quirked in confusion. "That wasn't an anxiety attack that I witnessed."

"No. But he didn't want that needle near him."

Simon's jaw flapped incredulously.

"You ever had a needle in your bone?"

"This one wouldn't –"

"I'm just saying, Doctor," Mal interrupted, not wanting to argue diagnosis. "We ain't at the life-or-death stage anymore. He says stop, you stop, dong ma."

"Yes," Simon agreed, looking guiltily at the needle.

"And he's managing fine with no meds."

"Because he has you!" Simon exploded. "I see you three or four times a week at least, in the lounge, massaging that elbow because he won't fess up to it aching. What happens when he doesn't have you?"

"That's awful pessimistic of you, Doctor." Mal folded his arms and squared his shoulders, looking down at Simon.

"I just want to help," Simon said meekly. "I know I can make this better."

Mal nodded. "Better ain't worth the fight right now."

-ooo-

Mal let Jayne be for the morning, but worried when the man didn't even sneak out for a midmorning snack. Jayne was not known for missing meals and him not eating made even less sense considering Simon hadn't even started a treatment. Given his clean bill of health, he was also not exempt from his chores for the day, and Mal would not tolerate sulking when it got in the way of ship's functions. He went to the passenger dorms where Jayne had taken up residence ever since his injury and paced twice through the hallway, debating his first words. He didn't bother knocking before sliding open the door to Jayne's room. Jayne sat on the bed, holding a free weight, looking at it wistfully, but not doing anything more at the moment. His face was damp with perspiration. Mal took half a step inside and leaned against the door frame.

"Thought I told you to get," Jayne grumbled, not looking up.

"Lunch is in half an hour."

"I'm not hungry."

"Don't matter. It's your turn to cook. Do your job."

"Fine," Jayne snapped.

Neither of them moved. Mal cocked his head to the side, trying to catch Jayne's eye, but Jayne wouldn't look up. Jayne wiped the sweat from his face and it was then that Mal noticed the tears in his eyes. Jayne's cheeks were damp, but his features were fierce and defiant. Slowly, Mal crossed the room and took the free weight from Jayne's hand. Jayne didn't look up. Time stood still as Mal checked for a sign – either Jayne reaching out or closing off – but nothing came. Cautiously, Mal sank onto Jayne's lap and tried to pull Jayne's arms around him, but this time Jayne swatted him off.

"Stop trying to take my arm!" Jayne bellowed.

"I ain't trying."

"You saying I should go back and let the Doc try his thing?" Jayne snarled, his eyes on fire, his face alive with confusion and defiance.

"No," Mal assured softly, cradling Jayne's chin, trying to calm that storm in his clear blue eyes.

"But you think I should try it," Jayne said again.

"Is that why you won't eat? You thinking to try again?" Mal asked gently. Jayne shrugged and Mal enveloped him peacefully. Jayne matched the embrace with one arm, sandwiching the other between the two of them.

"The way I see it, we got plenty of time to try out all Simon's miracle cures for your arm. Don't have to do 'em all now."

Jayne pulled back and glowered at him, but in a forgiving kind of way. Mal tried to take Jayne's gimped hand again, but Jayne wouldn't budge, so instead he dug his hands into Jayne's pants, letting the skin on skin drive them both tingly.

"You want a quick hump before lunch?" Jayne offered.

Mal leaned in, kissing Jayne languidly as his fingers danced on Jayne's skin. "Nope. I can wait for the right time."

Jayne pulled Mal into a grateful hug, burying his face against Mal's chest. "Good, 'cuz I ain't really in the mood."

-ooo-

That night after supper, Jayne initiated a game of tall card and River, Kaylee, and Simon took him up on the challenge. Mal stayed on the sidelines, chatting with Inara, detailing the can opener and other oft-neglected kitchen utensils. Mal's were the kind of chores on the ship that couldn't be bartered, but he was happy to watch the game. It only took half an hour before Jayne bowed out, complaining that he'd amassed more chores than one man could rightfully do in a week. Then Kaylee accused River and Simon of cheating. It was true the Tams were more devious than their high-and-mighty attitudes belied. From his years of observation, Mal had found that they only ever cheated when garbage was on the table and Jayne hated garbage duty, so he always put it out there.

As the conversations persisted, Jayne plopped on the couch, grumbling about his increased workload, which Mal was certain he'd find a way to cheat himself free of by midweek. When Inara bid everyone goodnight, Mal stopped his kitchen detailing and sat on the couch, cozying in Jayne's arms. He took Jayne's hand and massaged over the fingers, wondering vaguely if he did such things out of necessity or habit. Wasn't like a spoken request went between them, nor had Jayne been favoring his hand. But Jayne wasn't making a concentrated effort to shift Mal's attentions elsewhere. Simon kept sneaking disapproving glances, but Mal ignored him and Jayne called Simon out, then started sucking on Mal's ear just to make Simon squirm.

Kaylee deflected the animosity by starting a round of story-telling, which was something they all loved doing together. Even Zoë, hearing the laughter, returned from wherever she'd gone to join in. Three hours and ten humiliating stories later, the others trickled off until it was just Mal and Jayne sitting on the couch. Jayne brooded pensively, his arms around Mal's waist, his chin on Mal's shoulder.

"Doc's gonna keep hounding, ain't he?"

Mal chuckled lightly. "Jayne if you think that's hounding, you've never been truly chased by Simon. Only thing that's hounding you is your own mind."

Jayne rubbed his nose against the back of Mal's neck, then kissed wearily along the hairline.

"Don't think so much," Mal whispered, thinking back to the morning and how it really was the same. "Do what you like and what you're comfortable with."

"Don't need my own platitudes, Mal," Jayne groused. Mal smiled warmly, turning to face Jayne, kneeling between his legs, then wrapping his arms around Jayne's shoulders.

"I need 'em," Mal breathed, then leaned in for a kiss.

Jayne nipped and guffawed, turning the kiss immediately playful. He looped his arms around Mal, trying to flip Mal onto his back, but Mal wrestled back and maintained his dominance. With eager hands, he tugged Jayne's shirt free and pulled it off. Jayne sank under him, lying on the couch, his eyes playful and lusty, loving the danger of being stripped in a public place. Mal had never got so ballsy as this before.

Jayne dipped his fingers into Mal's pants, then froze in surprise. He felt again for those cotton shorts and his brow furrowed.

"You ain't wearing nothing under these!"

Mal shrugged, flicking the button of Jayne's pants and unzipping the fly. "I thought it could be something we did together."

"That's why you've been squirmy all day! You could've told me." Jayne's eyes darkened with lust and he quickly flicked open Mal's pants.

"More fun you finding out this way."

Once freed, their cocks rushed toward each other like immigrants rushing a border. With fast fingers, Jayne opened the first few buttons of Mal's shirt, enough to pull it over his head. Mal could feel himself hardening, his skin aching from the feel of blood pumping into Jayne's cock, and the grate of zippers and fabric still in the way. Jayne's hands were in Mal's pants, squeezing his ass, but leaving it covered. Mal growled against Jayne's ear causing him to arch off the couch. He reached into Jayne's pants and –

The sound of approaching boot steps stilled them both. Jayne held Mal balanced as Mal scrambled for a covering. Finding Jayne's shirt, he pulled it on just as Zoë stepped in. The shirt was loose enough on him that he hoped it covered the fact that they were both hanging out of their pants. Hanging was the wrong word. Protruding stiffly. They were resting groin to groin, their cocks throbbing against each other under the shirt so intensely Mal could hardly breathe. Mal kept himself angled over Jayne so that the shirt would keep them curtained, even though Jayne didn't care about such things. Mal wasn't really prudish about nudity either, but there was a strict difference twixt seeing a man and walking in on two men clearly up to something.

Zoë, for her part, just raised an eyebrow and shot a smirk at the pair. "Cute," she commented, and then left.

"Told ya!" Jayne ribbed, laughing heartily and tugging at the shirt. Mal sat back, angrily tucking himself into his pants, finding it difficult given his current level of stiffness and Jayne's teasing fingers running under the shirt. Frustrated at being interrupted and annoyed at Zoë for the jab, Mal stood gingerly and collected his discarded shirt while Jayne folded himself neatly into his own pants with practiced ease.

"Ain't cute," Mal groused.

"Ka ai," Jayne teased, skipping up behind him and sucking his ear. Mal shook him off, but Jayne swooped Mal over his shoulder into a fireman's carry and headed down the hall for Mal's bunk, groping Mal's ass as he went.

"Hell, you are freakishly strong," Mal laughed, taking advantage of his view down Jayne's backside and doing some groping of his own. When they got to the door of Mal's bunk, Jayne kicked it open and dropped Mal inside, keeping enough hold on the hem of the shirt that Mal lost it on the way down.

-ooo-

Mal crumpled on the floor below and didn't move, but Jayne wasn't buying his injured pup routine. Lustily, Jayne pressed the stolen shirt to his nose and looked down at his lover. He'd never say so, but he loved when Mal put on his shirts. It made him feel all manner of possessive and possessed. Mal wearing his stuff was like a declaration that Mal liked belonging to Jayne and vice versa.

Jayne let the shirt flutter down the hatch, then slid down the ladder landing lightly. Mal still played killdeer, but Jayne could see the coil in his muscles. Despite anticipating it, he was still caught off guard when Mal pounced.

Mal tackled Jayne to the floor and came down on him fast, purring and vibrating into Jayne's mouth. The twitter of his tongue sent ripples all the way to Jayne's belly, immediately hyper-sensitizing his skin and before he knew it, both their clothes were gone. Jayne always knew Mal was the fastest draw in any gunfight. He had no idea the skill extended to clothing, and the man clearly had a plan.

Keeping his tongue rolling, Mal did his purring trick over every surface of Jayne's body, rendering him a whimpering wreck. There he was, cradling Jayne's face, his lips latched onto Jayne's neck, that rolling tongue adding sensuous vibrations. How they made it to the bed, Jayne wasn't sure, but he gripped the bed sheets desperately as Mal traveled down over his torso, drawing patterns with his tongue, teasing the nipples with all the right and wrong pressures. His tongue plunged into Jayne's naval and Jayne's whole stomach contracted as he cried out, gasping Mal's name.

Mal teethed lightly at Jayne's lips, then those strong hands parted Jayne's thighs, and Jayne could do nothing but lie back, and let Mal have his way. Mal hummed softly as he sucked on each of Jayne's balls, affording them individual attention before growling hotly over the pair. Swallowing hard, Jayne resisted the urge to arch off the bed, but failed miserably. Mal licked over Jayne's shaft, teasing the slit, then taking him in half-way. Jayne needed pressure at the base. Needed. He reached down a hand, seeing as Mal's were being neglectful, but Mal swatted at him, then laced their fingers together, using their joint hands to control the thrust of Jayne's hips.

Mal released Jayne's cock, and turned his attention to their joint hands, ignoring the whimpers and pleas leaking from Jayne's lips as desperately as the pre-cum leaking from his cock. Mal sucked on Jayne's fingers which got Jayne thrusting and arching again, his straining erection dancing with want.

"Please, Mal," he gasped desperately, writhing.

Mal smiled devilishly, purred against Jayne's nethers again, and then took Jayne in his mouth. Jayne tried to shake his hands free of Mal's, because he couldn't wait out Mal's apparent mission to make him come on sucking alone. Jayne needed pressure at the base, and being longer than most, that meant he needed a hand. When Mal didn't let go, Jayne moved their joint hands closer to his cock, but Mal squeezed so tightly, Jayne thought his fingers would break off.

"Please," Jayne whimpered again.

Mal pulled back half way, took a large breath, then went in again, relaxing his throat, and taking Jayne fully to the hilt. To the… dear God! No one had ever taken him wholly in before. He could feel Mal swallowing madly, keeping his throat open. The air evacuated Jayne's lungs and he croaked wordlessly before coming harder than he ever thought possible.

Trembling violently, Jayne rode out his orgasm for half an eternity before becoming vaguely aware of Mal humming against his softening cock. A quick swallow later, Mal was peppering Jayne's skin with more vibrating kisses, making him writhe and moan.

A choked sob tore through Jayne's lungs as Mal found some sensitive skin to suck on, and the sound immediately brought concerned attention. Mal snuggled against Jayne's body, stroking soothingly with his fingers, resting their faces close.

"Sometimes faster ain't always the point," he cooed, kissing soothingly across Jayne's cheeks because Jayne was still having difficulty breathing. "Didn't hurt you, did I?"

"Wa cao hun dan!" Jayne gasped, his voice high-pitched and breathless.

"That's quite a shift from ke ai ren."

"Shirt comes off, tongue comes out," Jayne wheezed, his eyes still glassy. "And think all them times your trap went running off and I thought about cutting your tongue out."

Mal stroked the hair from Jayne's face, admiring his lover the way Jayne had been admiring him that morning. Jayne closed his eyes, his breath returning slowly to normal, his hands waving in the air searching for Mal's. With a smile, Mal caught Jayne's hand, and pressed the palm to his lips, kissing gently. He figured Jayne wouldn't do it so much to him if he didn't like it himself. The move calmed Jayne almost instantly and his eyes fell open, gazing contentedly at Mal.

"Don't reckon you could've done that last night."

Mal laced his fingers through Jayne's, holding their joint hands to his cheek. "Don't reckon I would've."

Jayne smiled, his head falling tiredly to the pillow. "Glad you waited then."

Mal nodded slowly and settled against Jayne's chest, letting Jayne's fingers dance shakily across his skin.

"I think I feel your dick throbbing," Jayne wheezed, swallowing hard. "But it's hard to tell with my skin all smoldering the way it is."

"Yeah, if you can't find it in your heart to help me soon, I may have to help myself."

With a smirk, Jayne started pumping Mal with a tight fist.

"You want to fuck me?" Jayne offered.

"No," Mal sighed, letting his body crumble over Jayne's as the first waves of orgasm started to build. "No, I like this."

In a sudden burst of strength, Jayne tossed Mal onto his back, climbed on top, and started playing two hands over Mal's nethers.

"Yeah," Jayne agreed. "Yeah, me too."

-ooo-


	6. A Word For Us

**A Word for Us**

Jayne swore there were no snipers on that ridge when he swept it half an hour ago. Regardless, as he staked position high on the eastern cliff looking down into the canyon where Zoë and Mal were meeting the buyer, someone must have come. The first shot came from the southwest rim, catching Mal right at the base of the neck, felling him instantly. His head cracked open as he hit the small boulder he'd been planning to use for cover in a face-on battle. It was all Jayne could do to keep himself from running down there to help, but there was still Zoë to consider. Zoë, now holding her own against eight men and a rogue sniper on the southwest ridge. She could handle the ones she could see; it was up to Jayne to do the rest. He scanned the southwest ridge until he saw movement and took out the man that had shot Mal. He continued around the southern rim, picking off another just before that one fired a shot that would have felled Zoë too. Jayne checked Zoë again. Down to four men. He picked off two, she got the third, and the last one ran off, but she shot him in the back.

Her immediate targets handled, Zoë ran to Mal's side to assess the situation. Jayne scanned the ridges once more, making sure it was safe before entering the valley himself. His heart pounded a mile a minute and he thought his skin would burst with the pressure of each beat. Zoë darted quickly to each of the fallen bodies, pulling bill folds and stuffing them into the bag of coin they'd collected for the job.

"What are you doing?" Jayne cried, falling to his knees beside Mal, putting pressure on the neck wound. There was an exit wound just below the rib cage, meaning the bullet had slashed right through him.

"We'll need more than a doctor to fix this," Zoë answered, stealing the enemy's land-mule and bringing it close to Mal's body. They maneuvered Mal into the passenger seat and climbed on, then Zoë kick-started the engine and raced them back to Serenity. Jayne braced Mal against his chest, using his own body as a pressure point on the exit wound while his hands took care of the entry point. The terrain was rocky and several times he thought they might launch into space of their own accord the way they were bouncing around. Unfortunately, time was a luxury they did not have, and making a smoother ride would be more dangerous to Mal than what they did now. The radio lost, they couldn't even call ahead to the ship.

"Not long, Mal," he whispered, pressing his lips close to Mal's ear. Jayne looked down as Mal's hand constricted around his wrist. His body was seizing due to the blood loss! Jayne wrapped his arms tighter around Mal, placing more pressure on the wound. Amazingly, Mal was not coughing up blood, and Jayne wondered if it was because he wasn't breathing. It was hard to tell with the mule bouncing around and the wind whipping the way it was.

Serenity came into view as they flew over the last rise, and Zoë geared hard, making a straight shot for the ship. The mule suddenly swerved out of control as a shot fired from Serenity, hitting the tire.

"Gorram!" Jayne cried out, barely keeping himself and Mal from flying out of the vehicle.

"They don't know it's us!" Zoë hollered, skidding the limping mule, slowing it to gain control. When the mule was near stand-still, Jayne hopped out, carrying Mal in his arms. The dust and blood covered him as he ran screaming.

"Mal's hurt! Open the door! Mal's hurt!"

The back door opened wide, and Simon ran next to Jayne all the way to the Infirmary. A few minutes later, Zoë dashed in and Serenity filled with the gentle hum of take-off.

"What do you need, Doc?" Zoë asked.

"Core-level hospital. Tell River. She'll know where to go."

Simon moved quickly, first taking Jayne's hands and using them to put pressure on Mal's head wound. Jayne looked at the towel in his hand soaking quickly, and wondered if the give he felt was in the fabric or from a crack in Mal's skull.

"Inara!" Simon hollered into the corridor before placing forceful clamps on the next two wounds. The doctor shot Mal full of adrenaline, then hit the comm.

"River, how long?"

"Thirty-eight minutes conservatively."

"Optimistically?"

"Twenty-six."

Simon's jaw tightened. He could make the optimistic deadline, possibly. The other was not an option. He found a shunt and passed it through Mal's wound, using it to hold pressure through the bullet path until they found help. Inara slid on the blood-slick floor when she entered, but grabbed hold of the door frame to steady herself.

"Oh no, Mal," she breathed.

"Sleeve up," Simon ordered, pulling a chair next to the bed. Inara sat as directed and Simon immediately brought her hands up to put pressure on the exit wound. "Hold here as long as you can. I'm taking more blood than I should, but we have no choice."

Mal started to seize before Simon could get the transfusion set up, but Jayne held him as steady as possible. Three more shots and one heart-stopping panic later, the fresh blood was flowing into Mal.

"Jayne, wash your hands," Simon ordered, turning his attention to the head-wound next. It was hard to tear his eyes away, but Jayne dared not question Simon at this juncture. He winced and pressed his eyes shut at the sound of high-powered staples. He was just turning around again when Inara slouched in the chair, passed out. Simon quickly detached her from the transfusion line and ordered Jayne to move her to the second bed. The blood literally squelched out of Jayne's shirt, he was so soaked in it.

"Simon, we're docking," River's voice rang over the comm. "The stretcher will come to you."

In the whirlwind that followed, a team of eight doctors and nurses swept into the Infirmary, transferred Mal to a gurney and wheeled him away at near light speed. Jayne chased them to the edge of the cargo bay, stopping at the airlock when Zoë grabbed his arm.

"Let them work. Clean up here," Zoë ordered.

Jayne nodded wordlessly, and returned to the Infirmary to mop up the blood. He couldn't watch Mal die anyhow. He just couldn't.

-ooo-

It was River's idea to use the fake papers from forever ago stating that Mal was Inara's indentured man. It was the idea that had granted them access to the Alliance hospital and ended up saving Mal's life. The lie had infiltrated the system so long ago, no one bothered doubting it anymore.

Eight hours after they swept Mal away, Simon found Jayne in the Infirmary, slouched on the floor between piles of rags that were saturated with blood and solvent. Zoë limped around, tending to Inara and to herself.

"Mal?" Jayne asked weakly.

"Alive. Still in surgery."

"So you're –"

"I came back to rest," Simon answered wearily. "Don't worry, he has a fine team of surgeons working to save him."

"Will he survive?" Zoë asked.

"Sixty percent chance, I'd guess. Significantly less that he'll wake up again."

"Full recovery?" Jayne chanced, daring to hope.

"Two percent?" Simon guessed. He motioned Zoë onto the table and tended to her automatically, not yet able to give into the exhaustion that was making his skin hang off his bones. Zoë had two cracked ribs and a wrenched knee.

"Two percent. That's something," Jayne muttered as Simon finished with Zoë and motioned for Jayne to stand.

"All things considered, two percent is a miracle," Simon said. He cut Jayne out of his blood-soaked shirt, then found a fresh wash rag and started cleaning off the blood, checking to see if any of it was not Mal's. Jayne's shoulder had dislocated when the shot hit the mule, but other than that, his only ailment was shock. He still couldn't figure how the job had gone so wrong.

"I think we've used up our miracles for one year," Zoë commented mournfully.

Simon shook his head. "Frankly, I expect the miracle. I don't know why, but I've witnessed more miracles on this ship than I did in all my years of medical practice beforehand. He'll pull through."

Jayne wretched when Simon set his shoulder, but refused to take any medicines.

"When can I see him?" Jayne asked quietly.

Simon looked back sympathetically. "I'll let you know."

"Don't let him die without me there."

"He won't," Simon assured. "He'll pull though."

-ooo-

The next night, they sat in the galley, picking at their meals, wandering between the table and the couches, not really talking. Jayne cradled his right arm against his chest, wishing for all the 'verse that Mal would appear, cozy up next to him on the couch, and massage away his aches, and more importantly take this weight off his heart that made it so gorram hard to breathe. He nearly cried when Kaylee snuggled beside him and wrapped her arms around him just like Mal would've done. Then Inara came too, took his arm into her hands, and massaged away his hurts. She knew the basics because she'd taught Mal, but she didn't have all the tricks that Mal had discovered along the way. Here they were – the family Mal had put together. The family that Mal had drawn Jayne into and set in place, almost as if he knew this day would come. They surrounded Jayne, each sharing a bit of what Mal gave to them, trying to offer each other a piece of what they'd lost.

"Doc, when can I see him?" Jayne asked for the tenth time in as many hours.

"You don't want to see him like this, Jayne."

"I want," Jayne choked. "I don't care about the rest, I just need to see his face."

"Don't you have a picture or something?"

Jayne stiffened, forcing his tears to stay hidden. "Never thought I'd need…"

Kaylee rubbed his arm sympathetically and squeezed him in a tighter hug.

"Simon," she said. "Get that capture I got on the bureau."

Simon nodded quietly and left to retrieve the capture. Jayne pulled his arm free of Inara's massage saying he was okay for now. Inara nodded, but didn't leave his side. If anything, she scooted a little closer. They all did when Simon returned with the capture and handed it to Kaylee.

Kaylee scrolled one handed through the various videos she'd taken and explained, "I was saving this for blackmail… or a birthday …"

With a smile that was a little too bright given the circumstances, she handed the capture to Jayne. The angle was odd, shot from the hallway into the galley, and a chair partially obstructed the view. It was the night Mal had tried to hump Jayne on the lounge sofa and Zoë had walked in on them. Jayne was so sunken into the couch he was practically invisible aside from his fingers pinching at Mal's skin, but Mal's naked upper body appeared quite frequently over the arm of the couch. Zoë's interruption afforded them a full frontal flash of Mal before he could pull Jayne's t-shirt on to cover up. The vid ended there, with Mal looking guilty and trying his best not to at the same time. Jayne found himself suddenly infected with Kaylee's smile and he replayed the shot again and again, finally just gazing at Mal's face. The tears fell, but there was more sweetness in them than before. Jayne tried not to think on the fact that the man in this capture might never return to Serenity.

-ooo-

Simon's miracle arrived after only a week of waiting. Mal's eyes fluttered open, squinting at the invasion of light on his tired retinas, and he gazed vaguely and unfocused side-to-side. Inara jumped immediately from her chair where she'd been keeping vigil and hollered into the hallway the good news. A nurse, two doctors, Simon, and Jayne all rushed in to see, but Mal's eyes never found focus on any of them. Jayne pushed his way to the bed side, taking Mal's hand and desperately saying his name. Mal's thumb twitched ever so slightly and he looked down toward his hand, his brow furrowed in confusion. Whether he could see or not, he definitely had feeling in his hand, and that was reason to rejoice! A few minutes later, Mal's head lolled against the pillow and he fell peacefully to sleep.

-ooo-

Jayne started reading to Mal every night, finding books, magazines, news bulletins … anything with words. Anything that filled the deafening silences. After the third week, Mal started moving again. He would reach out and grab things that were near him. He would point to the door when he was tired and wanted people to leave. A therapist came in every day, training Mal how to use a fork and feed himself again. Mal hated that bit of his routine and it made Jayne smile when Mal started pointing to the door as soon as the therapist entered. It broke his heart, however, when Mal would have a wretched and sick day and point to the door when Jayne entered with a book to read. Jayne never obeyed that particular request, and Mal didn't seem to mind so much. Simon said it was good for Jayne to read to Mal. They weren't sure what kind of brain damage Mal had suffered, and the continued stimulation might speed Mal's language recovery.

Nearly two months went by before Mal said his first words. His sentences were far from coherent and it was obvious that most of his vocabulary was locked far from his mouth. Every word came clearly with a memory, which was hopeful at first, when he would talk in broken sentences about his mother's cooking and ask where she was. Unfortunately, the next memories that came back were of Serenity Valley. Mal didn't have the words to describe what he remembered, but Zoë recognized immediately the nightmare in his eyes. Mal didn't want to talk after that – didn't want to remember. He went back to pointing and fought violently when the therapist suggested they barter food for words. Mal had always been stubborn like that, and he got his way.

At the end of the fifth month they moved Mal back on to Serenity and left the hospital behind. Mal had recovered mobility but hadn't spoken a word for months. There was a residual trace of his characteristic wit, and only a small hope that he would be competent to start working on the ship again in another year. They called him Captain, but only because they were all in denial. Zoë had taken charge since the day it happened and Jayne was her second. The two of them lined up jobs, handled the crew, and in their spare time, oversaw Mal's recovery. Jayne hated thinking of the irony that their situations had suddenly reversed – that now he was caring for Mal. It made him angry, because it reminded him of how weak he'd been then, and how weak Mal was now.

-ooo-

Jayne climbed into Mal's bunk after his evening round of the ship – it was a job he alternated with Zoë since Mal could hardly remember his way out the door some days. He'd been doing good this month, even going to the galley and making his own food when he was hungry. He'd sit quietly though meals, listening to the stories, enjoying the sounds of laughter more than the words. Sometimes he smiled, but always was looking cryptically at his plate, like it held a cipher to life. Since he'd stopped talking, no one could really peg how much command he had of the language.

When Jayne entered, Mal was circling the dimly lit bunk, tracing his fingers over the jut of the bulkhead, stopping to tug the leaves on his tree. He wore loose pajamas – loose mostly because he'd lost so much weight. He flashed a meek smile at Jayne as a greeting then settled himself on the bed, resting his back against the headboard. Jayne reading to him had become part of Mal's routine, and one he recognized, anticipated, and enjoyed much more than his routine doctor visits.

Jayne pulled a chair next to the bed and tipped the book open to the third chapter. It had been a long while since he and Mal had gone through this particular book together, but they'd both read it a hundred times on their own… before Mal's injury. If Mal knew how to read still, he never let on. He listened to Jayne with his customary level of distractedness, his eyes wandering around the room, his fingers tracing patterns on the walls, bed sheets, and anything within reach. It was one of the reasons Jayne liked sitting within reach these days. Jayne always pulled the chair as close to the bed as he could without violating physics. He worried a little about crowding Mal because he didn't know how much Mal remembered of them as a pair. Still, he craved the closeness and Mal didn't seem to mind so much.

Jayne smiled to himself as Mal started fingering the shirt he was wearing. It was the gray one Jayne had left in Mal's room the first night they were together and Jayne had never thought to reclaim it until Mal was injured. Jayne wore it now as homage to their connection.

Mal's eyes stopped roaming so much once his fingers found the shirt and he focused more fully on Jayne's face, watching Jayne's lips move as he read. When he fisted Jayne's shirt in his hand, Jayne looked up. Their eyes met and they smile at each other, Jayne wistfully, Mal abashedly.

"You always liked this shirt," Jayne told Mal, closing the book and leaning closer so Mal didn't have to reach so far. "Brings out the color in your eyes."

Mal looked at Jayne thoughtfully, then rubbed the soft fabric between his thumb and forefinger. He cleared his throat quietly and murmured. "Ke ai."

"Cuter on you," Jayne grinned automatically, then reeled. Mal had spoken out loud! Jayne's jaw dropped and only because he was stunned did the blue streak of curses fail to fall out. He blinked twice, and searched for his voice. "Are you remembering something new?"

Mal shook his head, his brow furrowing as he continued tugging on the shirt. "I see this shirt. It is that word."

Jayne swallowed and nodded, his heart turning at the memory of Mal stealing his shirt.

"What word -?" Mal stuttered as words failed him. "What is ke ai?"

Jayne winced sympathetically, taking Mal's hand in both of his, damning caution and sitting on the bed next to the man he loved. Perhaps he'd start reading Mal some things in Chinese or maybe dig around his bunk and find those old poetry books Mal always had lying around. A man like Mal needed education more diverse than the things that he and Jayne had always read together. "Ke ai is a Chinese word. It means cute."

Mal looked at his hand which fit so snugly into Jayne's. "Sometimes you talk … read. I hear the words in my head before you say 'em … like we've said them before."

Jayne's heart pounded a mile a minute as he watched Mal struggle to find the words he was looking for. He knew Mal had those words locked in him somewhere, and the sound of his voice was music to Jayne's ears. "We used to trade off reading – you and me. Started when I hurt my arm."

Mal squinted at his knees, as though the broken staticky memory were being projected there. He looked at their joint hands and turned them together, examining the uneven texture and scars of Jayne's skin. "Hurt bad."

"Yeah," Jayne agreed softly. "Yeah it was. Nearly lost it."

"I remember. I was so…" Mal trailed off, unable to find the word he wanted.

"You remember?"

Mal nodded solemnly.

"Why didn't you say?"

"Everything I remember … hurts," his face scrunched in frustration. "It hurts and there are no words."

Jayne pulled their hands to his lips and kissed Mal's knuckles gently, his heart tearing to shreds one piece at a time. Mal extended one finger toward the shirt and touched the sleeve.

"This doesn't hurt," he said. "This has a word."

"Maybe it's the start of the good memories," Jayne said hopefully as Mal studied his face. Flying on love, Jayne sat back and peeled off the shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"Come 'ere," Jayne said, motioning Mal forward. Carefully, he removed Mal's pajama top, then he put his shirt onto Mal. Mal looked down at himself in confusion.

"Ke ai ren," Jayne prompted.

"I … you … Don't call me …"

"Cute," Jayne finished, his stomach twisting into knots as a thousand memories flooded back, stirring hope.

Mal smiled softly and pressed his hands over the fabric. "What's your name again?"

"Jayne."

"Jayne," Mal repeated, his voice soft and happy. He looked into Jayne's eyes. "You say all the others, but never yours."

"No shame in asking," Jayne murmured, caressing Mal's cheek, then taking his hand again.

Mal pressed his nose to the shirt and inhaled, as though memories were embedded in the scent. Shaking loose Jayne's grip, he took Jayne's right hand, and pressed the palm to his lips kissing gently. Then he laid down on his side, pillowed Jayne's hand under his cheek, and closed his eyes. "We're more than friends, right?"

"Yes." Jayne's voice quivered with hope.

"I don't remember the word."

"Never had a word for us."

Mal kept his eyes closed and Jayne's hand pinned under his face. He did it because he was stubborn and selfish and Jayne let him because he'd been waiting for months to catch a glimpse of his old love.

"You want to get some sleep?" Jayne asked gently, pulling the blanket up.

Mal blinked tiredly, turning his head toward Jayne's hand, inhaling again. "Stay with me awhile. Tell me about us."

Trying to keep his heart from bursting out of his chest, Jayne sat sideways on the bed and let Mal's head rest on his lap. He stroked his fingers through Mal's short-cropped hair, carefully avoiding the tender wounds on his scalp, wondering where to begin. He opted for the beginning – the day Mal first hired him. He didn't get too far before Mal fell asleep, and then he gently extracted himself so he could sleep on the floor by the bed. Mal stirred as Jayne tried pulling his hand free.

"Jayne," Mal called, tugging Jayne's hand under his face again. "Is it – has it really been the two of us?"

"For awhile."

"Then how come the bed is so small?"

Jayne smiled and kissed two fingers then pressed them to Mal's temple. He recognized that mistrust in Mal's voice. Maybe he shouldn't have started with the day Mal hired him.

-ooo-


	7. Start of Something New

**The Start of Something New**

Mal liked touching things. It helped him remember. It was all well and good until he started absently running his fingers over the bridge console and sent them veering off course, or following the pulse of the engine and nearly getting his hand ripped off. He liked going into Inara's shuttle and touching the incense sticks while they were burning, and Simon worried that Mal couldn't feel the blisters due to nerve damage, but he could never verify the diagnosis. Mal got shot in the leg his first job out and after that, he was much more cautious about things that could hurt him.

He wasn't as fast a draw as he once was, but he was still faster than most (even Jayne), and that was good. Expert marksman too. Some of the gunplay he remembered on his own, but Jayne still reviewed it all with him, just to make sure there were no gaps in his knowledge. He was deadly when he wanted to be, but he maintained that enormous heart telling him not to kill anyone he didn't have to. Jayne's jaw nearly fell off when they were heading out one day, and Mal said it off hand. "Let's not kill anyone we don't have to." It wasn't that he was remembering his old motto, it was just who he was deep down at the spirit level, and those things don't get lost when your memory goes.

One thing he had lost was his inhibitions about public displays of affection. Sure those walls had been slowly crumbling since he got together with Jayne, but now that he wasn't trying to be all Captainy, those walls went the way of Jericho. Jayne had to keep his eyes open because Mal could jump out of the shadows at any minute, sometimes wanting to make out, other times feeling dangerous and trying to strip Jayne down in the hallways. Mal was working his way through that sex book they'd gotten, and apparently taking to heart all the edits in the margins (even the joking ones). Since he had almost no picture memories of his time on Serenity, those few notes in the book were his firmest recorded link to the past.

The crew dynamic had shifted as well. Mal used to be the caretaker of the group, but he was so far removed from that task now. He was rediscovering himself as a friend and a lover, but not as a leader. Zoë was tweaking him though. She would back down in a negotiation and let him step in and take charge. She would tell the others to shirk their chores until Mal started hounding after them, but it wasn't the same. Mal and Zoë used to share their history as soldiers, but Mal couldn't handle Serenity Valley the way he used to. He remembered the war, but not why he fought it.

Ever since Mal had hired Kaylee, he'd looked after her like a big brother, but now it was her watching after him and making sure he didn't break the ship apart. From the day Mal had kicked open that box and found River inside, he'd taken it upon himself to protect her, but these days River could easily protect herself. He'd changed them all, and now all he could do is look at them, barely remembering who they were, let alone how much his hand had shaped their lives.

The thing Jayne missed the most was the way Mal used to kiss – the playful purring kisses that he only pulled out on special occasions, when he wanted to drive Jayne wild. He'd forgotten them. Jayne tried to explain it, but he couldn't mimic the technique, so they were both at a loss on that front.

Jayne stepped onto the catwalk and was pleased to hear the shuffling of their new payload in the bay. The next buyer had mentioned raiders at the ground transport stage, so Mal was personally inventorying each of the crates so the buyer couldn't accuse them of losing anything and cutting their pay. It was random house wares and non-perishables mostly – things that didn't stack neatly into crates. From the sound of it, Mal was mostly finished and just setting things back into the hold. Jayne considered helping, but decided against it on account that Mal had been looking lusty at him all morning and may very well jump him before the work was done. Jayne didn't like being the responsible one in the relationship, but Mal was coming around. Until then, they just couldn't work together in the same room without supervision.

Leaning over the railing, Jayne leered at the sight of Mal bent over the crate, his pants neatly hugging around his backside. Then he retreated quickly to Inara's shuttle before Mal caught him staring.

Inara was another thing Mal had forgotten. He treated her kind and still didn't much approve of her profession, but they weren't nearly as tense at each other. Jayne wondered if it was because Mal didn't remember so clearly the days he used to lean toward womenfolk. Maybe Inara was holding back the insults too, given the circumstances. No one ever brought up how much they used to fight because they were all glad for the fresh start.

"Hiding from Mal?" Inara chided, smiling softly and inviting Jayne in.

"I guess," Jayne shrugged, sinking onto the crimson couch. Inara stood next to the bed folding a small stack of kerchiefs and scarves. "He's working hard at the moment. Don't want to distract him."

She laughed delicately. "Sometimes I wonder if he was always so frisky and was just repressing it."

"He used to kiss better."

Inara's eyes snapped up and she raised an eyebrow. "That's harsh."

Jayne rolled his eyes. "No, he did this thing –"

"Please, I'd rather not –"

"– like he was purring."

"Purring?" Inara repeated, stopping her folding.

Jayne wiggled his fingers in the air as if that could convey the move. "Yeah, it was so … I can't do it. I can't show him how."

"He must have learned that from Nandi," Inara smiled reflectively. "It was her trademark move."

Jayne looked up, immediately interested. "She teach it to you?"

"Maybe once –" Inara stammered, but stopped talking when Jayne stood abruptly and trotted to the door.

"Mal get up here!" he hollered into the bay.

"Jayne what are you –"

"You can teach him!"

"Jayne –"

"Mal, I gotta teach you something," Jayne called again, poking his head out the door. Mal came to the middle of the floor and looked up at him.

"I'm busy right now."

"S'about kissing!" Jayne tempted, ignoring Inara's whispered objections behind him.

Mal surveyed his unfinished work, then trotted quickly up the stairs stopping just outside the shuttle door. "What? Like a show?"

Jayne grabbed Mal around the waist and led him inside excitedly, at which point Inara started protesting again.

"Jayne, I really don't think –"

"Please, Inara," Jayne insisted. "I know you can learn him well on this."

"Wait! You want me to kiss the lady!" Mal cried, jumping away from the pair of them.

"Mal –"

"She'll show you what I mean! With the purring," Jayne explained to Mal, yanking his wrist and leading him further into the shuttle.

"Jayne! You told her about that?"

"Hush up, you. Ain't like we're in the closet." Jayne snapped Mal's hips against his and turned them both to face Inara. "Now kiss her and let her show you how it's done."

Mal started to object, but Jayne growled against the back of his neck and nibbled at his earlobe. He ran his hands up and down Mal's hips and Mal's hands fell on top. Deciding it wasn't worth arguing with Jayne at the moment, Mal turned to Inara.

"Are you okay with this?"

Inara smiled shyly, appreciating the offered out. "Ever the gentleman," she commented.

"I'll tell him no," Mal promised, squirming as Jayne's hands wandered a little too close to his crotch. "I can get my way."

"I've no doubt," Inara granted, then squared her shoulders, adopting a professional attitude. "No, I'll teach you. Come here."

Mal stepped out of Jayne's embrace and approached Inara cautiously, as he would a tiger. Jayne sank on the couch, ready to watch what promised to be an insanely hot show. Just the thought of it… why hadn't they done this before? And who'd have thought Inara would be so willing?

Inara approached Mal with a soothing smile, ran her hands from his shoulders to his elbows, and told him to relax. When she stepped into his personal space, Mal's hands fell tentatively onto her waist, not knowing if he should pull her close or push her away. The silky blue fabric afforded him little traction and his hands slid easily, resting on the curve of her hip, subtle as it was. He smiled at her apologetically and she leaned her forehead against his, trying not to be embarrassed as well. She made the purring sound with her tongue and told Mal to mimic the move. He did so clumsily.

With endearing grace, Inara cradled Mal's face gently, raised up on tip-toe, and made purring kisses across his jaw line. Jayne could hear her tongue vibrating from where he sat and he smirked approvingly. Mal's knees went weak at the feel, and he held her more tightly. When their lips met, Mal fell hungrily against her, taking control of the kiss briefly, then reining back. Inara chased after, purring into his mouth, forcing the kiss to become more passionate and insistent. Jayne stared slack-jawed, partially turned on, partially jealous, wondering if he should interrupt them before they got lost in each other. But then Mal tapped Inara on the shoulder and she broke the kiss immediately, stepping back, looking at him with wide doe-eyes.

Mal panted raggedly, staring at her in amazement. "What the hell was that?"

"It was just a demonstration, Mal," she answered diplomatically, falling on her profession as an excuse.

"Darlin', your lips don't lie nearly as well as your words do."

"I –"

Mal glanced between her and Jayne, his eyes sinking, looking betrayed and confused. "What the hell was this? What the –"

"Mal, what's going on?" Jayne asked, suddenly concerned. He stood quickly and took a step toward Mal, but Mal backed away.

"That's what I'm asking! You!" Mal cried, pointing accusingly at Inara. "What is this? Is there something between us I should know about?"

"No, nothing!" Inara insisted.

"Don't lie to me 'Nara!" he bellowed.

Both Jayne and Inara flinched. He hadn't called her 'Nara since before he lost his memory.

"Mal, there was never –" she began, but was cut off by a glare which Mal quickly turned on Jayne once it silenced her. Bewildered, Jayne could offer no words to comfort Mal.

"Excuse me," Mal growled quietly, walking quickly out of the shuttle, his eyes smoldering.

Jayne and Inara stood still, both stunned and then Jayne squared his shoulders and looked at Inara.

"Kisses don't lie."

"I'm sorry, Jayne," Inara gushed. "In my profession –"

"Do you want him?"

"I –" Inara stammered, then stood a little straighter, finding that professional mask. "Of course not."

Jayne grunted, not believing her at all, but accepting her lie nonetheless. "You alright then?"

"Fine."

Jayne gave her one last apologetic shrug, then went out in search of Mal. He crossed the catwalk to the galley and came across Zoë inventorying the food stocks.

"Did Mal come through here?"

"No."

That ruled out him going to his bunk and also the bridge. Jayne turned to the engine room, and ran into Kaylee.

"Hey, Jayne," she greeted brightly.

"I'm looking for Mal."

"Well he's not down this way."

Jayne hadn't expected him to be, but given Mal's temper, he wanted to rule out the more dangerous places first. He went to the passenger dorms next, which really wasn't a passenger dorm strictly speaking because he and Simon both lived down there and both of them were crew. Jayne had considered moving back to his old bunk, but his current one was closer to his weight set and it was nice having his guns so close to the back door. He checked his room, but Mal wasn't there, so he quickly checked the other rooms. No luck.

When he went back through the cargo bay, it was only by chance he noticed that one storage locker slightly askew and he knew they weren't hiding any cargo in that particular hole this week. Peering cautiously around, he saw the tips of Mal's boots just peeking out of the cramped hold. He knelt quietly at the opening where Mal sat, arms wrapped loosely around his knees, head ducked.

"Whatcha doing in there?" Jayne asked, because it seemed an odd thing for Mal to do. It was more like something River would do.

"What the hell was that?" Mal murmured, talking mostly to his own knees.

"Honestly Mal, I just wanted her to show you that trick. I didn't think …"

"Is there – was there – why?" He couldn't form a complete thought, but Jayne understood.

"You started chasing after her the moment she came on board. Never did catch her."

Jayne had always been blunt, because it was funny to watch people squirm. Now, he knew he needed to be honest, but it felt almost brutal.

"Did she ever …"

"Feel the same?" Jayne finished and Mal nodded. "Not strong enough that she'd act on it. You never did either. Both of you, for years, just dancing around. Sometimes I thought about throwing you two into a room together with some happy drugs, just so you could get over yourselves and be –"

"Then why, for all the 'verse, did you let her kiss me?"

Jayne shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. Did you get a sense for the purring?"

Mal glared harshly at Jayne for being so clueless and single-minded. "It's all muddled now. Everything is fogged up. I could've been happy kissing you from here 'til the end of my life, but now –"

"You want to chase her," Jayne acknowledged dismissively. "Mal, I've seen you try, and if you want to try again, go ahead. She won't let you in."

"Jayne –"

"I'm used to sharing you with her. If ever a day came when she said yes to you, I know –"

"No!" Mal protested, like it hurt to hear.

"Try if you want," Jayne insisted. Mal shook his head furiously, his eyes pleading.

"Jayne, no! I couldn't do that to you."

"If it's in your heart –"

"Jayne, it ain't!"

"Don't deny your heart because you're trying to protect me."

"She's not in my heart! Jayne, I'm yours."

Mal's shout echoed through the small hold and then through the whole cargo bay. Mal was breathing raggedly, his face screaming with confusion, looking like a tortured wreck who'd just had the rug pulled out from under him. Jayne hung his head in defeat.

"You don't have to believe that just because I told you," Jayne said quietly.

"No!" Mal cried insistently. "I am yours! I am! I am yours!"

Mal crawled out of the hold, forcing his way into Jayne's lap, hugging him tight, and burying his head on Jayne's shoulder, all the while repeating those words in soft, whimpered pleas.

"I am yours. I am."

Mal's chest heaved and he trembled in Jayne's hands. Jayne was so taken aback that all he could do was sit there. He hugged Mal tight, echoing Mal's words soothingly.

"You're mine," Jayne soothed, rocking with Mal until Mal stopped shaking. They both fell silent, holding tight to each other until the coldness of the floor chilled their bones. Jayne pressed apologetic kisses across Mal's cheek and Mal just hung limply in his arms.

"If there was never nothing between us, how come it felt so familiar?" Mal asked weakly.

"She says you learned that trick from Nandi. Maybe that …"

"Nandi?" Mal whispered and moaned. Jayne could see the memories and the horror flashing through his eyes.

"Tian sha de hun dan! I am a goddamned bastard!" Mal wailed. He ripped at his hair, trying to scratch out the assaulting memories, then crawled off Jayne going deeper into the cargo hold and curling up on the floor. Jayne winced sympathetically, reached in, and wrapped an arm around Mal's hips, dragging him out of the dark space.

"I am the worst of the monsters," Mal murmured to himself, clawing at his scalp. Jayne wrapped himself protectively around Mal and they laid on the floor of the cargo bay curled against each other.

"You are mine," Jayne whispered in Mal's ear.

"Why do they follow me?" Mal moaned. "Why are they here? Kaylee, 'Nara, Simon … why do they stay?"

"Mal –"

"I am the worst of the monsters."

"Shh. Shh," Jayne cooed. "Quiet down and I'll tell you."

"I'm not some gorram hero!"

"In all my story-telling, have I ever painted you such?"

Mal paused in his moaning, considering Jayne's question. "No," he said cautiously.

"You want me to tell you about the day we fought with the whores at the Heart of Gold?" Jayne offered.

"Heart of Gold," Mal repeated bitterly. "Sounds like some epic title."

"It was a bit more stupidity, dumb luck, and … well I got lucky. You got lucky."

"But not with each other," Mal interrupted quietly, relaxing a little and looking back at Jayne.

"Naw, we were both chasing women folk at the time," Jayne answered with an easy smile remembering the pretty blonde he'd chased around that day. "I was surprised you bagged Nandi at all seeing as how your eyes were so fixed on Inara."

Mal ducked his head and contracted into a tight little ball.

"I don't want to remember this now," Mal whispered, his hands starting to shake again.

Jayne fell silent and stroked his fingers through Mal's hair. He unfolded his bottom arm to pillow Mal's head, and Mal uncurled just a little, resting more securely against Jayne. Mal being pensive and quiet was a lot like the old Mal, and as much as Jayne hated that he'd upset Mal (and probably Inara), he'd found another piece of his old love in the mess. It was a broken, crap-hill road that made Mal the man he was, but that was the man Jayne fell in love with.

-ooo-

Mal brooded for the next three days. He did his work, starting before everyone woke up so that he could finish early and sit in his room alone. He didn't say more than five words to anyone. Jayne gave him his space at first, but by the middle of the third day, he was getting concerned. He'd been taking food plates down to Mal's room and Mal would tolerate his company without really seeing him. He got like this when he remembered the war, or Niska, or things that hurt too much for words. This time, he was probably remembering bits and pieces of Nandi dying, and trying not to at the same time. Jayne was cooking when Mal wandered listlessly into the galley.

"Hey, you," Jayne greeted softly. Mal stayed silent, looking vaguely at nothing. He came up behind Jayne, wrapped his arms around Jayne's waist, and rested his head wearily on Jayne's shoulder. Jayne placed a hand over Mal's and kept cooking his curry.

"Are you eating with us tonight?"

He felt Mal shrug noncommittally.

"Can you try that chutney? Tell me if I made it right."

They'd gotten fresh cilantro and bread on Beaumonde and Jayne had put one of Shepherd Book's old recipes to use on the stuff. He smiled to himself when Mal reached around him to try some. Mal kept one arm around Jayne, and rested his head on Jayne's shoulder while he chewed, which was a funny sensation, but empowering at the same time.

"This is awful," Mal dead-panned, reaching for another piece of bread and dipping it in the chutney. "I should finish it off so the rest of the crew doesn't have to suffer?"

"Simon said it needs more vinegar," Jayne warned, dropping the hint that Simon knew about the dip.

"He's wrong."

Jayne swatted as Mal reached to dip his bread in again.

"He'll also kill you if you eat it all now."

Mal huffed. "I ain't afraid of him."

"He's never shot you with a paralyzing drug and threatened you on his table."

Mal scoffed skeptically. "Is he the type to do such things?"

Jayne shrugged and stirred the vegetables. "Remember how I told you about Ariel?"

Jayne had spent a lot of time telling Mal his many woeful tales of betrayal. He figured Mal needed to know how forgiving he'd been before, because in all likelihood, Jayne would need forgiveness again some day.

"This is chutney, Jayne."

"Just saying. He gets tetchy!"

Mal chuckled and punched Jayne's shoulder lightly, then turned to get dishes and set the table. Before he could get too far, Jayne snaked out an arm, and stole himself a quick kiss.

"You done sulking for awhile?" Jayne asked him, smacking him on the rear and letting him return to setting the table.

"I don't sulk." Mal said it plainly so it wasn't open for debate.

"Inara keeps asking after –"

"Did we ever fuck?" Mal asked abruptly.

Jayne stammered, caught off guard. "You and Inara?"

"You and me."

Jayne looked at him funny.

"I was reading the book," Mal explained, paying far too much attention to how he was setting the plates down just so he could avoid Jayne's eye. "And there aren't any notes on the last two chapters."

"Oh," Jayne said, finally understanding what sourced the question. "No, we never got that far. Always figured we had time to work through all the options."

Jayne turned off the stove before the protein could seer to the pan. Mal rooted through the drawers for enough forks for everyone and he listened thoughtfully as Jayne continued.

"Then you got hurt, and I didn't want to push nothing new when you hardly remembered the old."

Mal paused for a moment, staring at the space in front of him, his hands forgetting to move. "Will you fuck me tonight?"

Kaylee had chosen that particular moment to walk in. Her eyes went wide as she processed the words and she backed out of the room silently. Jayne figured she'd probably sit in the hall and listen anyway, but what did it matter. When the silence persisted, Mal looked over at Jayne and Jayne sighed, conflicted.

"You don't wanna?" Mal asked.

"Not saying that."

"Looks like you are," Mal pointed out, belligerently.

Jayne sighed again. He'd hardly seen Mal these past few days and as much as he wanted to fuck Mal, he wanted more to know how Mal had taken the idea into his head. Was this about Inara? Was there some desperation to be claimed? Or was he really feeling that now was the time?

"If you wanna come around, my door is open to you," Jayne offered diplomatically. "But I ain't setting up this grand plan for where the night will take us. We've always done fine letting the moment take hold."

Mal crossed the room silently, sidling close to Jayne, and Jayne cringed, ready to be scolded again. But then Mal leaned his head on Jayne's arm and sighed softly.

"I love you, Jayne."

Jayne's heart stopped and he nearly fell over. Mal had never said that before – ever! And he knew by the tone that Mal was being real, because there was relief hidden in Mal's voice. Jayne didn't say the words back, because he had never said them before and didn't know if they needed saying.

The others entered one-by-one, chatting lightly, and Mal stayed quietly leaning on Jayne's arm. No one questioned it, because so far as they all knew, Mal hadn't said much of anything these past few days and they were just glad he'd come to the table.

-ooo-

When Mal came to Jayne's room that evening, it was late and his hair was wet from having showered. Jayne was lying on the bed, propped up on his elbows so he could fiddle with a knife. It didn't really need sharpening, but Jayne liked turning it in his hands. Mal didn't knock when he came in and didn't look directly at Jayne. Instead, he mumbled a hello, then went to the stack of books Jayne had on the table and started fingering across the titles. Jayne always told himself he should make a shelf for those since he and Mal had collected so many, but he never got around to it. He'd dropped a hint and was waiting to see if Kaylee would make him one for his next birthday, because she was the type to do something like that. Jayne scrutinized his knife some more, testing the balance, wiping clean the handle.

"If you had to leave here fast, what's the first thing you would you grab?" Mal asked so quietly Jayne almost didn't hear over the thrum of the engine.

"I think I'd grab you first," Jayne answered, even though he knew Mal was fishing for something else. Mal went from tracing his fingers over the books to tracing the mounted guns on the wall.

"I'm a loss," Mal murmured. "And not the crew. What thing would you take?"

"Guess a knife is a good thing to have, surviving in a hostile place," Jayne reasoned, admiring the blade in his hand. "Good for hunting, building, fighting…"

"Not a gun?"

"A gun's only good if you can get yourself ammo."

Mal's fingers fell over some of the guns mounted high on the rack – the ones Jayne kept more for their stories than their functionality.

"Looking past survival," Jayne offered. "First thing I'd grab is that book there. The Cheeseburger one."

Mal went back to the stack of books and found the one Jayne mentioned – Lost Art of Cheeseburgers. It was the third book they'd ever read together.

"Is this one your favorite?" Mal asked, bringing it to the bed and sitting stiffly on the end. Jayne scooted next to Mal, curled an arm around him and kissed his hip.

"Not exactly. It's the one where I started…" Jacking off thinking of you? It didn't sound right enough to say, so Jayne didn't. Mal seemed to understand.

"Since I can't have you," Jayne explained.

"You knew that early?"

Jayne smiled. "Didn't know anything. Just started seeing you a little different. You have no idea what you meant to me back then."

Mal's face fell a little and he stared hard at the book. Jayne squeezed him tighter.

"I'm not saying you don't remember," Jayne clarified. "Just that I never told you. It meant a lot, not just that you came, but that you stuck around after I got better… and after you got to know me. I never counted myself as someone worth knowing."

Jayne nestled his head into Mal's lap as Mal stared wistfully at the words in the book. When it became clear he had no intention of reading them, Jayne took the book away and laid it on the pillow.

"Let's get a new book," Jayne suggested. It occurred to him that he and Mal had not bought a new book since Mal's injury, thus every book demanded a memory from Mal and he seemed a little tired of that. Jayne decided it was time to create new memories instead of trying to relive all the old ones.

"I like that idea."

Jayne drew Mal's face towards his and drank a deep, wistful kiss that Mal broke almost immediately.

"Jayne, don't kiss me sad."

With a lecherous grin, Jayne sat up and tried again, forcing his way into Mal's mouth with hungry kisses. He stroked up Mal's thigh, pulling Mal's legs around his waist so that Mal was sitting in his lap. Jayne ran his hands over Mal's legs and butt, reveling as each muscle flexed under his touch.

Mal yanked eagerly at Jayne's shirt, pulling it off and casting it aside, using his thumbs to trace around Jayne's navel, making Jayne gasp with pleasure. Then Mal ducked his head, kissing Jayne's shoulders making him lean back so Mal could get access to his hardened nipples. Mal sucked so hard Jayne yelped, then Jayne winced as Mal bit lightly on one nipple, and pinched the other sharply between two knuckles. Jayne gulped raggedy breaths as Mal then kissed around the tawny flesh with cool, soothing kisses, like a healing balm on the abused skin.

Barely finding his control, Jayne managed to get Mal's shirt off, and he ran his hands over every inch of skin he found. Mal's hands dipped into Jayne's pants, but Jayne snapped their hips tighter together, locked Mal's legs around his waist, and stood, lifting Mal up too. Jayne's hands firmly gripping Mal's ass and holding him in place was all that was necessary to tell Mal to hold on.

Jayne plunged his tongue into Mal's mouth, exploring the hot, wet cavity as he tottered across the room. When they reached the door, Jayne slammed Mal against the wall next to it, and kissed around to Mal's ear, invoking pleading whimpers from Mal. Using the wall as a brace, Jayne released one hand long enough to tip open the door, then he bit Mal's neck when Mal looked over his shoulder to see why they were leaving.

"Where we going?"

"You'll see," Jayne promised, taking Mal's full weight again and carrying him through the hall, groping as he went. It was late enough so that no one was up. When they got to the Infirmary, Jayne set Mal on the counter, placed his hands on either side of Mal, and kissed him long and hard.

"Jayne," Mal grunted in protest. Jayne kept nipping, but Mal placed his hands on Jayne's shoulders and pressed back gently.

"I don't want to, Jayne. Not here."

Jayne looked around and took a deep breath, as if just realizing where his feet had taken him.

"Oh, right," Jayne said, and started rooting through the cabinet next to Mal. He found a jar of lube and put it in Mal's hand. "Thought we might need some fresh stuff. My jar's a little old."

Mal's mouth hung open a little, and he smiled broadly on recognizing the meaning of the little jar. Jayne took advantage of the distraction and flicked open the buttons of Mal's pants. Then he leaned down and sucked Mal's hard-on right through the fabric of his boxers. Mal smacked him away, but as he stood straight, Jayne hefted Mal over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, pulling off Mal's pants and biting his ass as they walked out the door.

Mal grabbed a hold of the door frame, jerking Jayne to a stop and sending them spinning. Jayne just barely caught Mal and they landed with Mal half standing, backed against a wall, his knees hinged. Their eyes met and they smiled dangerously at each other. Mal kicked off his pants so they wouldn't hinder him anymore and immediately took control of the situation, kissing and groping on Jayne until it was Jayne pressed against a wall. Jayne raked his fingers over Mal's skin, crushing their bodies together, not caring in the least that he'd surrendered the situation. Mal reached around him, sliding open a door to one of the unused dorm rooms, and they sank into the private space, closing the door behind them.

Mal immediately pulled open Jayne's pants, and his eyes darkened with lust seeing Jayne wearing nothing beneath. Within three seconds, their clothing vanished as lusty hands reached and gripped. Mal squeezed Jayne's ass and thighs, milking the sex out of him, pressing their bodies closer, grinding. The hair on his skin grated and tugged against Jayne's, the sweat between them unevenly causing them to stick and slide at once. The air was humid with sweat and sex, their skin flushed with heat and desire.

Jayne rumbled with pleasure as Mal sucked on his fingers, and in retaliation, he went for that sweet spot at the crease of Mal's armpit. Mal laughed airily as Jayne lifted his arm and kissed down his side, but Mal refused to be picked up again. He twisted away from Jayne and presented the jar of lube. Their eyes met again, dark with lust, filled with certainty and want. Jayne stepped in, invading Mal's personal space but denying skin contact. His skin tingled just from the closeness. He dipped two fingers of his right hand into the jar, then rested his thumb on Mal's body, letting Mal guide his wrist down and around between the cheeks of his ass. With his left hand, Jayne caressed Mal's face, grazing feather-light over his cheeks, tickling his eyelashes, over his nose, and then to his lips. Jayne traced Mal's lips with one hand and his hole with the other, drawing a sensuous moan from his lover. Mal turned his head sharply, sucking Jayne's fingers into his mouth and Jayne immediately pressed one finger into Mal's ass. Mal's knees nearly buckled, and his legs parted as he sank onto Jayne's finger.

"Uh, god," Mal groaned throatily, kissing around Jayne's wrist. Jayne shifted and wrapped his arm under Mal's shoulder to support him and started thrusting his finger into Mal, loosening his entrance. Mal's body was like jelly, he was so relaxed.

"More, Jayne, more," he begged, his voice low and needy.

Jayne pressed a second finger in and Mal's legs started trembling, his cock leaking madly against Jayne's thigh. Jayne moved them to the bed, laying Mal face down so he could see what he was doing. He corkscrewed his fingers and Mal shuddered and croaked, arching back, vying for more. This, Jayne knew, was how it was meant to be.

"More, Jayne, you!" Mal murmured like a prayer. "I want you!"

Jayne scissored his fingers inside of Mal and Mal screeched sharply, tensing and relaxing in the space of a breath. With a smile, Jayne corkscrewed his hand, seeking out a sweet spot that made Mal shiver. When he found it, a high-pitched shudder escaped Mal's lips.

"Please, Jayne!" he gasped and Jayne thought he'd die his own self if he waited much longer. Jayne pulled free, lubed himself up sloppy but thorough, and then used both hands to press Mal's cheeks apart and take aim at his target. He pressed in the first inch and Mal practically shrieked, spreading his legs wider and pressing his ass into the air, the latter act effectively pushing Jayne even deeper.

Jayne leaned forward, wrapping an arm around Mal's trembling hips sinking in bit by bit, encouraged by Mal panting "yes, yes, yes." Jayne couldn't help chanting along in counterpoint as the tight heat enveloped him. Once he was fully in, they both took a breath of relief, searching for air, letting the heat emboss on their minds the amazing feel of being connected in this way.

Mal murmured almost incoherent words of encouragement and Jayne slid out then in, developing a slow, easy rhythm before he reached a hand around so he can jack Mal as he went. Mal trembled immediately, his balls jerking like he was about to come, and his legs nearly gave out. Jayne held him steady, but Mal had other things in mind. Squirming slightly, he pulled Jayne's hands off his cock and laid flat on the bed. Then he wriggled until his legs were closed. The tight heat around Jayne's cock becomes suddenly hotter and tighter and Jayne cried out in surprise, suddenly realizing that being on top didn't necessarily mean being in control.

"Go," Mal ordered and Jayne pounded desperately, wanting Mal to come first, but unable to grasp control of himself. He sat back, adjusting his angle, knowing he hit that sweet spot when Mal started shuddering and crying out with each thrust. Jayne didn't last five minutes in that tight space and he came howling his brains out. He collapsed onto Mal who rolled them sideways, keeping Jayne clenched inside of him. Jayne's shaky hand found a way across Mal's body and in two firm strokes, Mal was spilling all over Jayne's fist. They were both completely out of breath. Jayne tried to roll free so the air could flow between them and cool them some, but Mal stilled him.

"Stay awhile," Mal requested, pulling Jayne's arms around him.

"Holy hell, you're a tight one," Jayne panted.

Mal clenched around him and Jayne squeaked.

"Again?"

"Ta ma de, Mal, I came so hard, I may not rise for another week. If you got it in you, maybe you can do me."

Mal shook his head and milked another hug from Jayne. "Want to save that… for another day."

For awhile, they stayed there spooned against each other until Jayne got so soft he slid out of Mal. Mal groaned and writhed at the loss, pressing against Jayne as sticky cum leaked out of him.

"Hey, I got some fine hairs that don't want to be stuck to you," Jayne teased, kissing lightly, and crawling over Mal to get out of the bed. Not bothering with clothes, he snuck down the hall to the head to get a damp wash cloth. When he came back, Mal was lying on his stomach, sprawled happily across the wet bed, content at having Jayne pat him clean. Mal's skin looked a little raw and he flinched as Jayne cleaned him, but nothing too serious.

"How are ya?" Jayne asked.

"Good," Mal murmured wearily. "Sore."

"Need me to carry you back to the room?"

"Why go back?"

"For one, the bed is drier," Jayne commented, but Mal didn't look too keen on moving. Tossing the rag aside, Jayne crawled into bed, snuggling on top of Mal. "For another, I think the Doc will have a fit if he finds your pants in the hallway outside his Infirmary come morning."

Mal laughed and opened his eyes, looking thoughtfully around the empty room. "We can stake a claim here – make this space ours."

Jayne liked the idea of having a new space they could share. He lifted onto his knees and elbows and kissed slowly over Mal, starting at the top of the ear and working his way down, exploring Mal's body like a prospector. He'd never admitted it to himself, but some of Mal's sweet spots had moved and Mal's body needed fresh charting. He discovered a sweet spot almost immediately at the dimple under Mal's rib cage. Mal laughed and rolled over, letting Jayne kiss and lave over the area. Jayne moved on, exploring the front of Mal's body, cataloging every laugh and ticklish flinch he came across. Mal gazed up at him adoringly but then his fingers started tracing over the scars on Jayne's arm. Jayne paused his exploring, trying to catch Mal's eye and failing. He leaned in and kissed Mal's lips, reading sadness there and not knowing why.

"Why so sad, ai ren?" Jayne asked, worried that they'd pushed themselves too far with this step. "No regrets between us."

"No regrets," Mal repeated softly, sinking into Jayne's gaze. He looked almost wistful. "I'm glad we did this. I'm glad we could do something that I'm not supposed to remember how to do. Where you don't have a list of what all I used to do... I'm glad we had this."

Jayne swallowed the lump of guilt that came with Mal's words and he vowed he would stop trying to teach Mal their old tricks and give Mal the joy of rediscovering what he liked.

"New is good," Jayne agreed. "Want to see what else new I've found?"

Jayne nibbled and licked that dimple under Mal's rib cage again making Mal squirm and squeal. They laughed together, and Mal's cock twitched anew, which made Jayne twitch with envy. Jayne moved on to the fold of Mal's elbow, which was also a new sweet spot for him, and Jayne started to wonder if he could make Mal come with only the new stuff he'd found. But then Mal caught his chin and guided him into a kiss, stroking through his beard a few beats, then gliding through the hairs on Jayne's body all the way down and Jayne felt himself jerk again. Maybe he could get it up again tonight.

-ooo-


	8. Treasured Moments

**Summary:** Optional coda to the 'Time Together' series. Mal continues to suffer from new injuries and has a few more treasured moments before he dies.  
**Warning:** Character death (yep, I finally did it)

-ooo-

**Treasured Moments**

It was a rough job and Mal was off his game. It didn't help that they had to stay up a full 36 hours. It was the middle of the afternoon when they finished and the crew had unanimously decided on a nap before supper. Mal was brooding over something that had started plaguing him since before the job but he wouldn't talk about. He leaned against the headboard picking at his nails, and Jayne nestled up to his thigh, not sure if it was okay for him to fall asleep with Mal in this temper. They'd staked a claim in this room nearly three months ago and filled it with a double bed and all their books. Sometimes they forgot that they could leave here and go back to their own spaces, but most times if they were fighting, Jayne didn't want to walk out anyhow. They weren't fighting now. Mal looked like he was pained from the inside out and were he not so tired from the gorram job, Jayne would have forced some truth out of him. If Mal needed to talk, he knew he could.

Mal's hand fell despondently into his lap, and he inhaled loudly. "Jayne?"

Jayne grunted to show he was awake.

"I'm … I'm not okay."

Jayne blinked tiredly and lifted his head to look at Mal. He threw his arm across Mal's lap in a gentle embrace and kissed Mal's hip, then settled his head in Mal's lap. He could see the depression in Mal's eyes that waxed and waned with the passing days.

"Worse than before?"

"I get headaches," Mal explained slowly, his eyes twitching and introspective. "I get dizzy."

"Did you talk to Simon?"

"I'm talking to you."

"I ain't a doctor," Jayne said flatly. Gathering the last remnants of his energy, Jayne prepared to haul Mal off to the Infirmary, but before he could move, Mal rested a hand on Jayne's head and ran his fingers absently through Jayne's hair. Jayne rolled onto his back and settled in again, letting Mal's fingers trace the lines of his face and dance through the beard he'd neglected to shave.

"Ain't just that," Mal continued distantly. "I get angry … and confused… and I want to quit."

Jayne's jaw tensed and he ached seeing the pain in Mal's eyes. When Mal looked down at him, his face was contorted in a desperate plea and his hands trembled against Jayne's skin.

"Don't make me," Mal whimpered and Jayne's blood ran cold. "Don't make me keep living this life."

Jayne sat up immediately, cradling Mal's face in his hands, trying to wipe the sadness off his lover's features.

"What do you mean?" Jayne asked, even though he had an idea. "You want to quit doin' crime and take up honest trade?"

"No."

"You want to leave Serenity?"

"No," Mal whined, turning his head sharply to get it out of Jayne's hands. "I don't know."

Jayne dropped his hands affording Mal the space he wanted. He waited, but Mal didn't say anything else. "When you know you tell me, okay?"

Mal nodded miserably, and turned to sit sideways on the bed.

"I want you to be okay," Jayne insisted, placing a hand on Mal's shoulder. Mal nodded again.

"Can you …" Mal shrugged him off. "I want to be alone right now."

Jayne nodded cautiously and scooted away, but a part of his heart screamed at him not to leave Mal alone.

"How about I go to this side of the bed," he offered. Having started their relationship on a single bed, this one still felt huge to them when they kept to the sides. When Mal didn't protest, Jayne peeled off his shirt and got under the covers. Then he lay on his side with his back to Mal, keeping as close to the edge as he could. He kept his ears open for sounds of Mal leaving and was glad when after a few long sighs, Mal kicked off his boots and got under the covers too. Jayne could tell by the way he was tossing and turning that Mal was too preoccupied to sleep. After about ten minutes though, Mal gave up his mission to be alone, spooned behind Jayne, and held on tight. Jayne placed his hand over Mal's and squeezed gently.

"You'll be okay," Jayne promised. Mal rubbed his cheek against Jayne's bare shoulder and inhaled loudly. Jayne kept telling himself over and over that Mal would be okay. It was the only way he could get to sleep.

-ooo-

Jayne woke up with a leer already plastered on his face and it wasn't because it was time for dinner. Mal was already awake, breathing softly on the back of Jayne's neck and tracing lightly over Jayne's skin with his fingers. Jayne hummed approvingly and rolled onto his stomach so he could watch Mal's exploration. Mal gazed peacefully over Jayne's body, his fingers exploring slowly over the lines of the muscles and scars. Jayne breathed contentedly, absorbing the feel of Mal's calloused fingers on his skin. He loved the way Mal touched him – as though he'd forgotten what Jayne felt like and was recommitting it to memory.

Jayne smiled as Mal's hand wandered across his back. Mal pressed the flat of his palm along Jayne's spine then stroked down to the small of his back and over to the shoulder blade. Jayne rolled his shoulder back against Mal's hand and Mal closed his eyes, inhaling as though he were absorbing energy from Jayne's skin. Tipping forward, Mal pressed his nose into the pillow so that his face was next to Jayne's, and then he nuzzled in to kiss the base of Jayne's neck. It was a lost and desperate kiss and if Jayne's arm hadn't been pinned by Mal's body, he would've embraced the other man and remedied the situation. Pinning Jayne further, Mal pressed more of his weight against Jayne's body, nuzzling against Jayne's neck as his hands touched and squeeze Jayne's muscles possessively. His hands slipping past the waistline of Jayne's pants, Mal squeezed Jayne's ass, then he slid a testing finger between the crack. Jayne flinched, but swallowed any protest, knowing that Mal needed this.

Mal, however, gave up his passionate exploration, pulled his hands free, and lay directly on top of Jayne, pinning him to the bed. Jayne flexed his ass teasingly, and laughed when he felt Mal squirm. The last few weeks, their sex life had stalled and Jayne had a feeling it was because of this conversation they hadn't yet had.

Sighing tiredly, Mal finally broached the subject. "Are you ever gonna tell me?"

He'd caught the flinch. Jayne didn't mind saying he didn't like the bottom, but there was more to it than that.

"Were _you_ gonna tell _me_?" Jayne challenged.

"I'm getting there. I just wanted it to be … I hoped…"

Mal shifted his legs and his body molded atop Jayne's again, coating him like frosting on a cake. Jayne understood completely. Anal sex was the one thing they had that was new since Mal had lost his memory. Mal tried so hard to want it just for that, but the truth was he didn't. They'd tried a few different things to smooth the ride, but it never became more fun for the one on bottom.

"If you don't like it, you don't like it," Jayne said simply. "I don't like."

"You weren't about to stop me," Mal pointed out.

Jayne wished he could look at Mal's face and have this conversation, but he was pinned and couldn't see anything above the elbow. He took hold of Mal's hand.

"I know," Jayne acknowledged. "But when you're on top, you get that glow about you. You look like you really need that tonight."

"It's not as fun coming in you when I don't see you smiling at the end," Mal confessed and Jayne nodded knowingly. Wriggling and tugging on Mal's arm, Jayne pulled Mal just sideways enough to steal a playful kiss.

"So we're agreed," Jayne grinned. "No more up the ass?"

"No more," Mal agreed, gliding softly off of Jayne's back and sinking into a smooth kiss. He felt a brief wave of peace pass through Mal's body, and they embraced gently chest to chest.

"You know, it wasn't all bad," Mal said softly.

Jayne grunted, too tired to put words to his question.

"You only did it the one time," Mal explained. "Back on Persephone when we got that room… the thing with your tongue."

"You like that?" Jayne chuckled, squeezing Mal tight at the memory of their rimming experiment. He'd only done it because they'd spent so much time in that tub getting clean beforehand.

"It was … I don't know. I wouldn't mind doing that again."

"I'll keep that in mind for the future."

Mal lifted his head and sucked lightly on Jayne's ear. "What about the present?"

"Nope. You want you dick played at, else you would've gone in different," Jayne teased, then reached a hand into Mal's pants, making him squirm in surprise.

"You don't have to jerk me off."

"Well I can't blow you. Kaylee's making a cake for River's birthday and –"

"Say no more," Mal interrupted, smiling weakly. "But really, I don't want –"

Mal groaned as Jayne's hand worked masterfully over his nethers, cutting off any protest.

"Jayne stop," he pleaded. "They always tease me when I go to supper all sweaty."

"What do you care … Captain?"

Mal's smile disappeared at the use of the title and Jayne plunged his tongue into Mal's mouth to make up for it. When Mal continued to protest, Jayne pulled his hands off Mal's body, eliciting a soft whimper.

"You really want me to stop," Jayne taunted.

Mal looked a little torn, but his face was crumpled and he was moving his jaw kind of funny.

"Yeah," Mal whispered.

Confused, Jayne leaned in to kiss Mal again, but Mal pulled away almost immediately, buried his face against Jayne's shoulder, and held on tight. Maybe it was that headache.

"Come on," Jayne whispered soothingly. "Let's go find Simon."

-ooo-

Simon gave Mal a dose of something for the headache, and offered to do a low-level brain scan after supper just as a precaution. With a head injury like Mal had suffered, they could not be too careful. He wasn't concerned until half-way through the scan, Mal got impatient and walked out. Mal was a notoriously bad patient, and although with what data he had Simon didn't see anything wrong, he still found Jayne and told him to keep an eye on Mal.

It was tough keeping an eye out because everyone had so much to do in the way of chores. Mal worked out his bad temper doing heavy lifting in the cargo bay and was in the Infirmary again two hours later complaining that his headache had returned. He wouldn't take more than a few pills and then he vanished into his own bunk for half an hour. He and Jayne crossed paths a few more times that evening, but by midnight, Jayne was the only one up and he made the last round of the ship. He paused when he heard the retching sounds coming from the head. Exploring the sound, he found Mal knelt over the toilet, vomiting his dinner and flushing it away. His shirt sleeves were rolled up and the fabric was wet with perspiration. His face was beat red as he slumped on the floor and leaned against the wall.

"Dinner wasn't that bad," Jayne quipped.

Mal tried to shoot him a withering look, but broke out laughing. "Don't tell Kaylee I chucked her cake."

Jayne reached out a hand to help Mal up. "Nah, it's protein. Never tastes much different coming up. You can tell her you got to enjoy it twice."

"Is there any left in the galley? Wouldn't mind enjoying it a third time."

"Save it for breakfast."

Mal kept one arm on the wall as he tottered down the hall and Jayne slipped a hand around his waist to guide him.

"Are you drunk?"

Mal shook his head and chuckled softly. "No. But dinner was that bad."

Jayne laughed too and bumped Mal lightly as they rounded the corner through the door to their room. The smile fell off of Mal's face almost immediately and he leaned against the wall by the door as Jayne sat heavily in the chair and yanked his boots off.

"Are you sick again?" Jayne asked when Mal stayed by the wall.

"No, just thinking," Mal answered, looking at the door. "I want some air."

Jayne nodded. He knew Mal liked standing under the air vent in the galley when he was feverish and in denial, because it was coldest there.

"You coming back tonight?"

"I … don't wait up."

Mal pushed off the wall and went out the door to pace the ship. Jayne decided he'd sleep for an hour, then retrieve him.

-ooo-

Jayne stretched his legs when he woke up and rolled over to make sure he was alone in bed. This double bed was the most gorram luxurious thing a man of Jayne's size could ever wish for, but he liked it a whole hell of a lot better when he was sharing it with Mal. Jayne massaged his elbow, longing for the days when Mal was attentive and massaged it for him. Maybe it was time they re-evaluated more than just their sex life.

Exhaling loudly, Jayne rolled out of bed, pulled on some loose pants, and padded up the stairs. Mal was exactly where Jayne thought he would be – he'd pulled the couch out to the middle of the floor just in front of the air vent. Mal's eyes were closed and an empty plate was on his lap, meaning he'd broken into the cake again.

"Feeling any better?" Jayne asked, taking the plate and setting it into the sink. Mal smiled tiredly and beckoned him back, so Jayne settled on the couch between Mal's legs. Mal wrapped his arms around Jayne and sighed.

"What's with the couch?" Jayne asked. "It's easier to move a chair."

"It's easier to lie on the couch," Mal said.

Jayne rested his head against Mal's chest and thought back to the first time he and Mal had ever cuddled on the couch like this, with all the girls present and staring at them. Mal traced over Jayne's arms and embraced him gently then moved his fingers in that old, practiced method, massaging the aches out of Jayne's body. Jayne closed his eyes, surrendering to the comfort of Mal's arms. Mal's fingers moved from memories he didn't even know he had anymore and Jayne had promised himself he'd stop pointing out these moments. It was much better to simply treasure them.

After ten minutes, Mal's hands stilled and he rested his chin on Jayne's shoulder.

"Too warm?" Jayne asked, slouching a little more so that he wasn't blocking the air flow from the vent.

"My lips feel funny."

Jayne sank a little deeper on the couch, looking up so he could see Mal's face. It was twitching. Then Mal collapsed in a seizure.

-ooo-

"Doc!" Jayne hollered, running frantically to the nearest comm box. "Doc, help!"

His heart shooting cannon-fire against his chest, Jayne ran back to the couch were Mal lay unconscious. River and Zoë dashed into the galley first, hearing the commotion from their bunks. Simon arrived shortly after, red bag in hand.

"Zoë, get the gurney," he ordered.

"I can carry –"

"Not this time," Simon interrupted as he injected Mal with something. Mal stirred and looked at the lot of them in weary confusion.

"He ain't moving," Jayne pointed out, wondering why Mal wasn't reaching for him or pushing Simon back.

"Can you squeeze my hand?" Simon asked, slipping his fingers into Mal's. The strain was apparent on Mal's face, but his fingers finally moved and he squeezed Simon's hand lightly. Zoë returned with the gurney and they carried Mal to the Infirmary.

"It's been almost a year, Doc," Jayne said. "What's going on?"

"It's not uncommon in brain injuries," Simon explained patiently as they transferred Mal to the bed.

"Hold still," Simon told Mal gently, and he started attaching wires to Mal's forehead. Mal moaned angrily and ripped at the wires, but Jayne took hold of Mal's hands and held him steady while Simon continued to work.

"Jayne," Mal groaned, his head lolling against the pillow.

"Try to hold him still," Simon requested. Jayne cradled Mal's chin and Mal pressed against his palm.

"I don't want this life," Mal whispered wearily, his eyes begging for escape in that same bone-chilling way as before.

"I know."

"Please don't make me… Don't make me live like this."

Jayne nodded, swallowing his fear at the intensity of Mal's plea. Jayne had thought those words a thousand times when his arm was mangled and he was laid up in bed all those months, but he'd never had the guts to say them out loud.

"We gotta think through this, Mal," Jayne stalled. "If I let you do what you're saying and you change your mind in the morning, you're pretty much humped."

Mal's face twisted in pain, but then he broke into a heartless chuckle. Their eyes met as they shared the humorless joke and Jayne fought hard against the deep foreboding in his heart.

-ooo-

Mal had another seizure in the middle of Simon's test, and Simon decided it best that Mal stay in the Infirmary overnight. The monitors flashed and beeped in rhythm to Mal's life and Jayne sat on the side bed wrapped in a blanket of his own, determined not to leave. He'd gone back to the room to get some warmer clothes to sleep in and that first book they'd read – 'Bees, beer, and other things that buzz.' When he tipped open the book and started reading, Mal glared at him angrily. Simon supposed Mal's moods were related to the problem with his brain.

"What the hell are you doing?" Mal growled. "Is this your solution for everything?"

Jayne shrugged unaffectedly. "You started it."

"I tell you I don't want to live and you bring a book?"

Jayne looked at the book in his hands and his heart wrapped around its meaning. "Do you remember why you bought this gorram thing?"

"You were hurt," Mal stammered, not seeing the relevance. "You were bored."

"No." Jayne shook his head. "You say you remember me being hurt, but what do you really remember? Do you remember me screaming all the time?"

Jayne waited, but Mal didn't answer. He glowered, rolling his tongue in distaste for memory lane.

"Do you remember that look in my eyes?" Jayne continued. "It's the same look you got now. It's the same and I hate that I recognize it because it's the worst damn thing I ever felt and I'd never wish it on another living soul. And all I know is that you brought me this and started reading and every time you did, I didn't have to feel it no more."

Mal's jaw set and his eyes hardened, but Jayne kept going.

"The Doc can't do anything for you right now and maybe this isn't the answer. But it's all I have, Mal."

"You don't read me like you think you do," Mal seethed. "I don't know who you see when you look at me, but it is not me. Maybe it's the old me, but I'm not the man who bought you that book. You don't even know me anymore."

Jayne closed his eyes and willed his heart to beat through the pain.

"Maybe," he allowed. "But you sure as hell act like my best friend. On jobs. Around the ship. Going drinking. You want to quit being more, fine. Tell me. I've given you a dozen outs, but you're the one that always insists I stay in your life."

"I don't want my life!"

Jayne let the shout echo into silence and he waited, listening to his heart, knowing the right response was in there somewhere.

"I know. But it's my turn to act like your friend right now."

"Jayne –"

"If you don't want me to read, I'll just sit here. I'm not giving you an out today. Not till you settle down."

Mal turned his head away and stared at the opposite wall, but he didn't tell Jayne to leave. Knowing he shouldn't expect more, Jayne opened the book again and started reading.

-ooo-

The days were a blur to Mal and he'd ceased to become aware of where the Infirmary bed ended and his skin began. He wanted to go back to his own bed, but whenever he tried to voice that opinion, his mouth never seemed to be working properly. When words were coming out properly, he was so desperate to say everything important to his crew that he never mentioned moving. He didn't like how Simon kept steering the conversations toward his physical health because Mal knew he wasn't long for the world and any one of these words might be his last.

He opened his eyes to the blurry world, and couldn't see much beyond the glaring ceiling lights. His mouth was completely parched and a tube taped to his face offered concentrated oxygen under his nose. Thankfully, his arms responded easily to his brain's command and he ripped the irritating tape off his skin and pulled the tube away.

"Good evening, Mal," Inara said in her calm soothing voice. She looked blurry, but Mal recognized that black dress with the embroidered flowers on it. It sparkled as she walked, making her look like an angel. Her cool, soft fingers met his and she took his hand in one of hers. Then she pressed a damp cloth to his face and cleaned off the sticky residue the tape had left behind.

"Are you thirsty?" she asked, holding the moist cloth to his lips and letting droplets of water coat his tongue. He closed his eyes and squeezed her hand, concentrating on not choking.

"Are you not talking?"

Mal blinked as he debated the attempt and pulled her hand over his heart. She leaned a little closer to him and stroked her fingers through his hair. The sad thing was she never would've done it if she didn't think he was dying.

"'Nara," Mal whispered, unable to keep himself from smiling at the sound of her name. He had loved her deeply and wanted her fiercely for so long, and somehow he was remembering that better than he had in months.

"Yes, Mal?" she prodded with a coy smile.

"I remember," he said softly, pulling her face closer to his. Inara tottered as he pulled her off balance, but she regained her center quickly. Mal reached for her, cradling her face in both hands, and kissed her softly. She resisted immediately and he let her pull back.

"Don't be afraid," he told her. The words were important and they were right there on the tip of his mind, but he didn't know how to express them. "Don't be afraid to love."

Inara stared at him for a moment, slack-jawed and speechless. Then she leaned down and kissed him again. The intensity, sadness, and spirit of their friendship pulsed between their lips to the rhythm of lost forevers. Mal ran his fingers through her silky black hair, tracing out the waves, until he felt her teardrops on his face. Breaking the kiss, Mal wiped the tears from her cheek with his thumb, and then traced her lips softly. Inara stood stiffly, blinking the tears from her eyes and letting them fall down her cheeks.

"I love you," she confessed in the faintest of whispers.

Mal smiled. He knew she loved him, and she knew that he knew. So he tapped her nose playfully and said, "Took you long enough."

He was glad when she smiled too.

"Are you alright?" Jayne asked Inara as he came into the Infirmary swiftly. He took Mal's hand and kissed his forehead lightly by way of greeting.

Inara tried desperately to cover her tears. "Fine."

"Inara –" Jayne tried again, but Inara cut him off and fled the room quickly. Jayne looked like he wanted to chase after her and Mal wondered when exactly Jayne had started caring after Inara.

"What's with her?" Jayne mused and Mal tugged his hand lightly to get his attention. With a raised brow, Jayne touched Mal's lips with his finger and examined the red stain Inara had left behind. His eyes met Mal's and Mal broke out laughing, but Jayne shook his head and groaned.

-ooo-

The Captain's seizures were getting worse, and Simon was running out of options. The surgery he wanted to try required facilities that only existed in the core, and despite the hard burn, Serenity couldn't get there fast enough. Kaylee was staying up day and night making sure the ship didn't fly apart as she went, but it wasn't just the metal coming apart at the seams. Zoë had buried her soul so deep, no one could get close to her. Inara sat alone in Mal's old bunk crying her eyes out like he was already dead. Jayne never left the Infirmary anymore. Garbage and dishes were piling up and the dirt that had kept mostly to the corners before was encroaching on the halls. When Kaylee wasn't in the engine room, she would go around doing everyone's chores for them, because it was all she could do to help the Captain.

It had been almost a week, and it was quiet on the ship even though it was the middle of the day. Kaylee pushed up her shirt sleeves and started cleaning up the lounge. She wondered if someone had brought food to Jayne any time recently, but she'd told him last time that she wasn't going to do it anymore and he had to start taking care of himself.

"Kay –"

The croak sounded from the Infirmary and Kaylee looked inside. Mal's eyes were blinking rapidly and his head tilted in such a way that she knew he saw her.

"Kaylee."

"Hey, Captain," she greeted cheerily. "You got your voice back."

Mal's lips drooped haphazardly as he struggled to speak. Kaylee took his hand in hers and patted it twice. Jayne was balanced carefully on the bed as well, cuddled so tight next to Mal that she worried any sudden motion would send him toppling to the floor.

"Kaylee."

"I'm impressed," Kaylee commented, nodding toward Jayne. "I thought this bed was a tight fit for me and Simon. Can you breathe okay with him on you like that?"

Mal looked stronger than he had in days, but Jayne wasn't exactly a feather-weight on his shoulder. Mal glanced sideways at Jayne, squirmed a little, and smiled.

"He levitates. It's how he walks so soft."

"Ahh," Kaylee grinned conspiratorially.

"Look after him for me."

She cocked her head, trying to ignore the true meaning of Mal's words.

"He thinks if he stays here, it'll keep me from dying."

"Naw. He thinks if he stays, it'll keep you from kissing anyone else. You should be more careful with his heart."

"He can take it," Mal chuckled weakly. He shook his hand free of Kaylee's and touched his own lips. "He has the heart of a lion. 'Nara … I had to tell her. I don't have much –"

"Don't talk like that," Kaylee ordered playfully, taking his hand again. "We haven't let you die on us yet, and it's not for your lack of trying – going and getting shot at all the time and crashing the ship and saving the 'verse."

"Mei mei."

Kaylee's breath caught. Mal hadn't called her that since before he'd been injured.

"You're the heart of my ship, you know that, right? Keep her going for me."

"Sure thing, Cap'n."

Mal closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then his head lolled to the side and his hand went limp.

"Cap?" she said uncertainly, shaking his shoulder. Her heart raced and she shook Jayne awake. "Jayne get up!"

Jayne lifted his head groggily and rolled nimbly off the side of the bed as Kaylee ran to the hall and hollered for Simon. She stayed by the door as the Infirmary became a whirlwind around her with Simon and Jayne rushing around. As if by instinct, the rest of the ship roused, but in the end, all they could do was stand there and look numbly at each other. Mal was dead.


End file.
